A message to Funky: We miss you and thank you

 It has become apparent that FunkyFr3sh is no longer associated with Red Alert 1 for whatever reason. I truly hope for the best for him and hope he is well. Whatever differences I had with him in the past are stupid and fickle.

Ultimately, Funky was a saviour for our game the past decade. This game would have died a long time ago without him and we all owe him an enormous amount of gratitude. He worked tirelessly and for free and took a lot of shit from many players including myself which I regret.

Anyway, just wanted to thank him for everything if he ever reads this and to wish him the best. It's really appreciated by me personally and I hope everyone feels the same. His work was more important than any player and Red Alert would literally not exist anymore online if not for him.

Good luck mate and I truly hope you are well and succeed in your future endeavours.

Best wishes and enormous thank you.

Love Triangles Don't Work

Well don't say I didn't warn you. If you are familiar with one of my previous well known articles "Lordy's Lovers", you will be aware that I warned about the pitfalls of bringing a 3rd guy into the bedroom. That's exactly what Lordy did. A fatal mistake.

Lordy thought he had won himself a watch when he picked up Dynamic at the club and invited him home with he and Bea5ty. Lordy thought he would finally have his fantasy fulfilled and get to be the meat between two sandwich slices. Unfortunately for him, Dynamic and Bea5ty had other plans. Lordy was brutally kicked out of the bed and discarded like a used tampon.

Red Alert's hottest new young couple got the locks changed and Lordy's efforts to be allowed back in OP have all been ignored, despite his banging on the door and offering flowers and an olive branch. 

The result is that Lordy now feels like many of his own victims, used and abused. Traded in for a younger model. Replaced. He's now a shadow of his former self and has been seen begging such players as N8Diaz (BAT), Xxtreme (ORA) and Faust (A) for a spot in their clans. 

Unfortunately there has been no room at the inn so far. Please, if you or anyone you know have room for an English 38 year old Leather Biker type in your clan get in contact ASAP. Perhaps BRO-Lordy or [1]Lordy could become a reality. The stuff that dreams are made of.

Most of all, this experience must be new and pleasant for Faust. He's no longer getting habitually called a German cunt. Instead, he has been getting regaled with tales of how great a player he is and how he is such a nice guy. Somehow I don't think Lordy's usually irresistible flirtation and seduction techniques will work on Faust. Faust seems to be taking the position that he doesn't want to bang the chick after everyone else has had a go.

Who will be the "Knight In Shining Armour" and come to the rescue of the bear? Will RAM take sympathy and allow him into their group of B-Tier players? Will McLovin respond to the 48 unread Facebook messages telling him how RA is alive and well again and the game needs him back in TA? Perhaps his old pal Leigh will make [NM]Lordy a reality?

Whatever the case. If there's one positive for Lordy it's that he is now one of the biggest free agents in Red Alert. Many clans are most likely lining up with contract offers to sign him. After all every clan needs an enforcer. Everyone knows what you get when you sign Lordy - you're signing him for the muscle not for the brains.

Let's we as a community all wish Lordy well in his future endeavours. Remember the good times in OP and all the happy memories resting on Bea5ty's back. Let him go. There's plenty more fish in the sea. The future's bright. The future's orange.

If I could offer my own 2 cents, I would suggest that NastyLordy might be a good fit. Nate has proven with Muad that he is good at taming and training players who bark a bit too much. Nate would be a good mentor for the bear, keeping him level headed and focused. After all, Nasty by name, Nasty by nature.

What do you think? Who should rescue Lordy from the single life? Answers on a postcard.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more.

Beware of the dog!

 Red Alert 1 online is home to some weird and wonderful creatures. All forms of mental illness are represented on this haven of human excellence. It's often been said that Red Alert 1 could refute Darwin's Theory of Evolution, as you only need to spend but 5 minutes on there and you wonder how some of these beings won the sperm race and achieved natural selection all the way through to 2022. There's even an individual who identifies as an actual goose, see: Goose Lives Matter .

If you've been around long enough, you'll no doubt have seen or heard a dog barking when you play Red Alert 1 online. The Mad Dog on CnCNet is known as Muad Dib (or Maud if you are dyslexic like Leigh).

The Mad Dog first appeared around 2014 and would often bark after a frustrating loss "DjSAHFSFGHDGHDGHDGHDSGH!!! FFSSS!!! REEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Over time, the Mad Dog's behaviour became even more erratic as it would frequently just take up and leave in the middle of the game and look for a bush to shit in. Much to the dismay of its partners in 2v2.

Fortunately, in recent years, the Mad Dog got a new owner called NastyNate, who changed the dog's name to NastyMuad. Nate has generally been a good owner and has helped to keep it on a leash. It doesn't bark as much anymore. You'll occasionally see it growl and bare its teeth but Nate only needs to whistle and it usually behaves itself.

However, there are still some times when you see the Mad Dog's feral nature rear its ugly head. This is usually when its owner isn't online. 

I'm here to give some advice on how to handle the Mad Dog if you come across it in an aggressive state. My first tip would be to offer it a biscuit or a treat, this is usually all it's after. It just wants to feel a little bit of attention and love and it usually starts to behave itself again. Secondly, if it keeps barking and losing games, suggest it goes for a walk. Maybe it just needs some fresh air and to calm down and regroup. Finally, you can try giving it a pat on the nose or tickling its tummy, but beware if you get too close it might bite your Q finger off.

I'm a great believer that you should never blame the dog, you should always the blame the owner. The animal only does what it's trained to do. With this in mind, stay safe and protect yourself at all times.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more.