Well it's finally here. Get yourself a cup of tea and a cupcake, maybe some popcorn, as we finally reveal the official award winners for the past year in Red Alert 1.
We'll start out with some of the minor awards before building up to the 2nd most important award (player of the year), before ultimately revealing the most coveted and prestigious prize of them all, BUTLER OF THE YEAR - join the Twitter trend #BOTY2022.
Rookie of the Year
This was a straight shootout between abc and ahlem, who a year ago were both total nubenators and p4/liquid exclusive noobs. Both have upped their game considerably in the last year. On balance, Ahlem has made more rapid progress, best highlighted by joining a B-tier clan (Nasty), whereas abc remains at C-tier clan level ([1]), therefore the panel recognises this phenomenal rate of improvement for Ahlem and awards him the title of Rookie of the Year 2022. Congratulations Ahlem! Hopefully your rate of improvement can improve and you will break through to A-tier and the big leagues in 2023!
Lifetime achievement award
The panel also decided that this award had a unanimous winner. It takes some going to play 100,000+ games of Red Alert 1 online multiplayer over 25 years and never have constructed a single service depot. This man literally sells his construction yard on any map after his 6th war factory and 3 ore refs are down just to not clutter his sidebar! Forget a service depot, forget even a chronosphere, I'm pretty sure the winner of this award does not actually even know that Iron Curtain and Gap Generator are aspects of this game. The winner of the award for achieving the lifetime milestone of 25 years with no service depot goes to robskate.
Clan slut of the year 2022
Another category which had a unanimous winner. Jacob has been passed around the Red Alert 1 clan fraternity on CnCNet like a dog toy. Jacob in the last year alone sniffed the jockstraps of OP, ORA, 1, NM, BAT and RAM clans. A phenomenal achievement and we present him the title of Clan slut of the year 2022 in recognition of his dedication to this cause. He truly made even serial clan sluts like Lordy and Zizou look like unblemished virginal brides.
Big d*ck swinging alpha of the Year 2022
There can of course only be one winner of this award. Only one player has the balls to drive their MCV across the map and dump a flame tower in your face while you are already building a 2nd war factory. No other player has the wizardry and craftiness to apc your CY like an absolute badass. The testosterone levels on this guy are off the charts as he has the balls to do what no other mere mortal player can only dream of. The sama, the American badass, the 4 letter word, BART is the winner of this award, and naturally so. Undisputed standout performer of the year in this category.
Clown of the Year 2022
The only player to retain his title from 2021. Find this guy being a beta male and cucking the pros on every twitch stream or playing in Arena Valley FFAs with noobs while there's some pro game rooms open. Congratulations to the biggest joke on Red Alert, Butcher! 🤡
Streamer of the Year 2022
This award goes to [BAT]N8Diaz. He has the most entertaining Red Alert stream but not necessarily because of the game play! It's really enlightening and a scientific experience to witness someone's mouse cursor when they are completely engulfed by an acid-trip bong cloud. Indeed, you won't get to see how many credits the players have or what's happening on the battlefield when you tune into Diaz's twitch stream, but you will be treated to a marvelous assortment of underground trance music and you'll have the full front-seat experience of witnessing someone in real-time whose brain has been reduced to complete mush after years of hitting the bong. If you want to observe what an LSD trip looks like in virtual reality, tune into N8's games on twitch! Congratulations!
Leigh: Hi Diaz, how are you doing mate?
Diaz: Hey brooo, sorry who is Diaz?
[5th dimension of the mushroom adventure]
Player of the Year 2022
You might think this award is a straight shootout between Gganbu and Dynamic. However that only really takes into account 1v1 play, in which they have gone back and forth (with Gganbu beating Dynamic slightly more than he loses according to ladder statistics). However, this year there was a performer in 2v2 who was so marvelous that we had to give him the award for Player of the Year.
Imagine playing 30+ Bo11 series with a 19 stone handicap on your back and being able to win series against 2 pros. Rushy aka herm has been able to carry Lordy to some wins that onlookers would otherwise think impossible. Literally any other player would probably have lost all those series 6-0 or 6-1, that's a testament to how great Rushy is.
Due to having amazing team play and some of the best carrying skills ever seen in Red Alert 1 online multiplayer, it's fair to award Rushy this award. Congratulations! Someone get this man some much needed massage therapy and allow his back a few months to rest and heal, for goodness sake!
Butler of the Year 2022!!!!!
Well it is of course the prize everyone wants to win. The apex of Red Alert 1 online multiplayer. Last year we had a great ambassador for the game in Budw who won this award with pride. The winner of this year had big shoes to fill.
There were many contenders who were desperate to get their hand on the prize, so the panel would like to give an honourable mention to the runner-up, Dutchy. Dutchy showed admiral skills in becoming Lordy's personal butler in Xi/Ex clan. Dutchy was happy to wipe Lordy's greasy ass crack after a McDonalds Super Size Big Mac Meal every night, and happy to lick the sweat off his man-boobs in between games. Dutchy did an admiral job and even performed to a high standard in his clan battles alongside his daddy. However, he did not quite win the award as we agreed that Dutchy had improved too much in his actual gameplay to be eligible for the winner's prize. It's true that Dutchy has markedly improved his game since being coached by Lordy and so it would be more appropriate to christen Dutchy the "most improved player of the year.". Unlucky Dutchy, but a valiant effort and you narrowly missed out on winning the most prestigious prize of all.
Well it's the moment you've all been waiting for. The panel spent hundreds of hours gathering the data and studying the landscape, and we have decided on the #BOTY2022 winner. A worthy winner who I am sure will wear the badge with honour. To explain how we decided on this year's winner, the voting panel would like to set the scene:
Imagine you are a lowly C-tier rank 50 level player who can only Q and can't build or use infantry, let alone play infinite ore maps. Imagine you bounce around the streets of CnCNet like a cheap filthy $5 crack whore looking for a c*ck to suck so you can join your next clan. Imagine constantly hopping around the top 3-4 players like a groupie at a Motley Crue concert. That's the dedication this individual went to in an effort to secure the Butler of the Year award. The panel noticed it. The panel are aware that this individual would only ever play in matches were he teaming up with Bea5ty or Dynamic. The panel realised that this individual was happy to pour the drinks and light the cigars of his masters, as long as he could Q-tank his way to being carried to victories in 2v2 matches. When you paint this picture and realise the effort and dedication that went into this, it becomes crystal clear that this is what we look for in a Butler of the most highest standard. Congratulations therefore, to Ad on securing the Butler of the Year 2022 title! Happy butlering in 2023, show us all how it's done by butlering for Gganbu in your next series against KOBA and sp0ckab and complete the set!
#BOTY2022 AD
Congratulations to all the prize winners! Commiserations if you missed out on an award, hopefully it will motivate you to come back even stronger next year!
Sir CrushyBoo