Hiders Busted

 Uncle Crushy is a part time detective. I'm a massive fan of Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot so busting hiders on Red Alert comes naturally to me. I'm autistic savant level at pattern recognition so there are some blatantly obvious things I notice in hiders' play which reveals their identity to me.

My brain is like an encyclopedia having played thousands of games so I can identity players just from their style of play. For example if I see grenadiers and 4 soviet tanks rushing before a depot I know I am against H3zb. Or if I see 8 light tanks and a sold CY I know I am against Croboy. Some other clues are not so obvious... For example Dolche always scatters engineers around his CY and likes to build his ore ref nice and compact. Ford will make 1000 rifle infantry and will put groups of 5 south and north so I can always identify him just by this distinctive clustering of "parties of 5". Part of what makes me the legend that I am is that I mix up my play style from day to day so as to keep my opponents guessing. I'll mix up playing Soviets and Allies and I'll mix up rushing or tanking just to keep them on their toes. I don't want to be like Katsh and be instantly identified by a silo cockblock or teslaing on every map.

Here are some hiders I have busted in 2020, and also some "down the rabbit hole" theories on some others.

1) Uchicha/Pr1de = At0m1.

Had you logged in to CnCNet January to March 2020 before the global coronavirus lockdown you would have seen At0m1 religiously practicing platinum medal or test 2.5 all day everyday. When the lockdown happened At0m1 disappeared into the shadows and a player called Uchicha-San surfaced. Uchicha was clearly a top level tanker and claimed to be an old pro from MPlayer. Interestingly the only pro who remembered him was NastyNate (one of At0m1's best mates who would definitely cover for him). Players like Robskate had never heard of Uchciha from the old days. I'd like to think that if a player of Uchicha's calibre was around in 2002 then he would be remembered just as well as players such as Aloli and Niklas. 

At0m1 hasn't been online for 6 months. Do you really believe he hasn't played Red Alert during a lockdown in that whole time? Especially in Finland where there's not much to do so he would be locked up all day. It makes perfect sense for him to hide. He can play without having to risk the reputation of the legendary At0m1 name and he can practice GQ as well with a free pass. There's also no Gyu type waiting to upload any of his losses. It's definitely in his interests to hide. 

Uchicha and At0m1 have a remarkably similar style of play. Both are awesome Q tankers. I remember discussing build orders with At0m1 and Uchicha follows At0m1's build orders exactly on P4 and Ribbon. Power, barracks, advanced power before ore ref. Mostly every other player makes ore ref straight after barracks. If you watch Uchciha and At0m1's play they are remarkably similar. 

The At0m1/Uchicha P4 build order. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The biggest clue that Uchicha is At0m1 is language. Uchicha claims to be American and have a USA flag yet speaks in broken English. He also slipped up by using At0m1isms during chat such as the famous "xD" emoticon and saying "yo wud up". 

Uchicha is At0m1. If you think otherwise then you believe the fairytale that Uchicha started playing out of nowhere and was already a top tier tanker having played 20 years ago despite nobody remembering him. You are also taking a leap of faith that At0m1 hasn't played Red Alert in the last 6 months despite being locked in his cold Finnish house all day. There's only so many zippo tricks he could do without wanting to pwn Lordy with xtra pr0 Q. 

The final biggest piece of evidence that At0m1 is Uchicha is Milo. At0m1 raved about how legendary his coach Milo was for over a decade. Do you really think At0m1 wasn't going to come online for a sniff of the sacred Milo jockstrap when the chance presented itself? Indeed Blank and Uchicha had many good Qmax and Hjk6 games during the summer. 

Xtra Pro Q nubsense xD

2) DragonSan = Sol3|Man|

I don't need to go into as much detail with this one since it's very closely related to At0m1 being Uchicha. Essentially Dragon surfaced at the same time as Uchicha. He is not quite as good as Uchicha but still a very strong player. Dragon does certain hybrid builds that instantly remind me of Sol3. The Finnish maestros are good friends in real life so it seems very plausible that hiding as 2 American brothers would make sense. Alternatively, Dragon could be D|zzy but I find Sol3 to be a more plausible option. He is definitely a hider and a friend of Uchicha/At0m1 either way. 

3) ZhangWei/RushyBoo = Herm

It's just him alright lol. You can tell by the slight VPN delay but you can also tell by how much he owns. Herm owns everyone in building on gem maps when not rusty. Rushy is the same. Pumped Beast in our crumpet game in tournament and only a handful of players are capable of that, Herm is one of them. ZhangWei also won the 1v1 Ladder playing Herm's distinctive style and owning. Very clever to adopt the Rusher name. ORA-Rusher was an average level tanker who played in 2016 for a while then disappeared. How convenient to adopt his name and pretend to have evolved into a true pwnz0r. The timeline doesn't make sense and that's how you know RushyBoo is Herm. There's more chance of Lordy and Breakdown adopting a low calorie vegan diet than RushyBoo/ZhangWei not being Herm. 

4) Mclovin = Mazell

Once upon a time before Mazell was known for being a cheater, he was a good tanker just like everyone else. Mazell and Mclovin are roughly the same age. They are also both Norwegian. Illuminati confirmed? How likely is it that 1 top level Norwegian tanker disappears and then another 1 comes along with a whole new identity a couple of years later? Mclovin ground out the Liquid rooms but was already a top level player when he did venture out into gem maps and unlimited ore. I smell something fishy and it isn't the sweat from Milo's jockstrap. 

5) Bart  = Ehy

I know this one is obvious so I'll just cover it briefly. These 2 titans (4LW and 3LW) never met in the ring but dominated the competition to the same extent. Ehy's retirement coincides with Bart's first venture into the battle arena. I'm sure everyone would agree that Bart has reached a level only Ehy is capable of so logic deducts that they must be one and the same. 

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more storytime with Uncle Crushy! In the meantime check out Aunt Ford's blog https://c9andrewford.blogspot.com/?m=1

Most annoying things in Red Alert (Part 1)

 There are some things in Red Alert online play which really trigger me and speed up my hairline recession. I'll outline a few of these below.

1) Shifting ore trucks 

Omfg! I love to e-shift my tanks and bring them to the battlefield. There is nothing more annoying than an ore truck being a retard and getting in the way. This is an especially bad problem on Crush's Basement map where the ore truck drivers get drunk too easily. It is also especially painful on ore maps because your money problems will be accentuated. There is nothing that makes me want to Lordy-ogre-headbutt my computer screen more than my ore truck getting shifted along with my tanks. It releases my inner rage. I want to yell at the trucks "man fuck off back to your gems ffs" during the game. 

 2) Spectator cockblock

Nothing irritates me more than a selfish prick refusing to play instead of speccing when there is an odd number of players, eg if 3 waiting on 1 player for 2v2. If this player specs for 1 game then I can let it slide, but when the 3 warriors are waiting for more than 10 minutes and this 4th inconsiderate arsehole insists on speccing because of eating/painting his nails/checking tinder then I enter malding mode. I get really frustrated and end up either logging out or going to play ladder. Please do not spectate excessively as it is bad for my anxiety levels. A particularly enraging version of spectator cockblock is when someone wins ONE game and plays only 1 game then insists of speccing the rest of the night: just play you cunt. 

3) 1 or 2 annoying tanks in your base

I love doing this tactic to other people as I know how annoying it is. It is so distracting to have 1 half dead light tank running around your base while you are trying to execute your build order and fight on the battle in front. You are consciously under extra stress and your focus is averted because in the back of the mind you are aware there might be a light tank sitting in your ore ref or attacking your ore truck. This light tank is like a flea you can't swat. Super super annoying. A brilliant tactic, but annoying. 

There are many more things which fucking piss me off. I'll continue this list as part of a series. 

Part 2 to follow...

The number 1 cause of hair loss among Red Alert players

 

If you have played competitive online Red Alert on CnCNet then you will no doubt have encountered the horrible disease known as LAG. 

Picture the scenario. It's 630pm, you have just worked 11 gruelling hours and had a quick dinner. You want to relax and pwn some TA or WP members to unwind. You identify a Goldrush 4v4 room in the CnCNet lobby which has a few pro player names in the game room so you think it looks quite fun and decide to join... You select your colour and your faction and the host launches... You then build your power plant and barracks and the game abruptly freezes. A sudden feeling of dread comes over you and makes your buttocks muscles clench. It is your worst fear. It is LAG. An innocent teammate of yours then identifies the lagger in chat "fu AF-Uzi fix conn u lag". The suspicion is confirmed when the "Waiting for... AF-Uzi" message appears in the chat line. Red player gets frustrated and aborts. 2 more follow. That 4v4 Goldrush game you were looking forward to playing has been cancelled and you are left naked in the lobby feeling disappointed, anxious and frustrated. To makes matters worse you try to join abacus' 2v2 ribbon room so you can flex your pro Q but the game room is already closed. Because of the lagger you now wait 30 minutes before you can get a game.

We've all been there in the pit of despair of being a victim of lag. I truly sympathise if you suffer from this illness. It can attack your immune system in various ways. 

Another lethal symptom of LAG disease is its unfortunate viral ability to discredit your wins. Imagine grinding out a 2 hour p4 game in which you are finally getting on top after withstanding a barrage of helis and chronospheres and victory is within reach, when suddenly lag afflicts a player within the game. The game disconnects due to server time out and your opponents dispute your adamant claims of "never mind we were going to win ez anyway, we had it for sure". Your opponents' reluctance to accept defeat in such a scenario shall likely induce hospital level stress levels resulting in grade 3 hair loss. 

While there is no outright vaccine to prevent LAG in games, there are some protocols which can help keep this disease at bay:

• Avoid playing with players from a far away geographical locus. For example, avoid games with South Americans or Chinese if you are in Europe. 
• Avoid known laggers who have shit conn, examples; Uzi, Siri, M3, Diga etc. 
• Avoid 4v4 games with an assortment of players whom you do not recognise. No doubt at least 1 of them will have shit conn. 
• Invest in extra pr0 int3rn3tz so you can ensure that you yourself do not spread LAG. This has the added benefit of allowing you to peacock your Pro ping to other players and cement your place as an alpha male and true pwnz0r.
• Choose 1v1 games over team games if they are available as the latency between 2 players will be minimal. Even people with the absolute shittest conn can be bearable to play with in 1v1. 
• Type !Spec to coldheartedly banish spectators from the game if there are any signs of impending lag. 
• Identify any known laggers to the game room host prior to game launch in order that they may kick that shit to fuck and stop the room from becoming LAG infected. If you are the game host then ban as quickly as possible to suppress the virus. 
• Most importantly, inform an infected person that they are a lagging cunt and tell them to fuck off and reset router and stay away from your games. Protect your fellow players to suppress this disease. 

If we work together and maintain safe social distancing and follow the advice given here we can beat this LAG virus. Together we can overcome this and life will get better.

Please keep your games LAG free and make your Uncle Crushy a happy little PonyBoo. 

Thanks for reading and don't forget to Follow! 

Red Alert Poll Results: 2020

Everyone loves a democracy so here are the poll results from the CnCNet Elections this year.