Special Christmas Card for Bea5ty

 Dear BeastyBoo,

What happened to ya ? Ya used to be an alpha male specimen on cncnet. Now you have officially become bigD's jizz rag. I am disappointed in ya. I want to see that hunger and fight and passion that made ya the top banana in the past. In 2024 I want to see you stop messing around, get serious and get ya spot back. We all see and know you are playing nothing like ya oldself and it is disappointing to see. We all want to see ya at the top of ya game. Dynamic's win against ya in Diaz's shrooms gauntlet has an asterisk against it because we all could see ya played Dutchy level and not like your true self. 

Best wishes for 2024 and hopefully this will give you the drive you need to get back to the top of the tree. While Dynamic might be very gifted mechanically and robotically we all know you have more raw talent. So stop the csgo and the simping over e-girls on Twitch and take ya crown back 👑"

Thank you to Mr Anonymous for informing me of a 6-1 tournament win for Dynamic over Beastaia."

Santa Crush has spoken 🎅 

Crushy Christmas Card List 2023

 Well it's time to find out who has been naughty or nice this year. Who is getting their dream present and who is getting a lump of coal. Here's a few Christmas cards from Uncle Crush:

"Dear Lordy

Ya have been a very bad boy this year. Need to wash that mouth out with soap. You are your own worst enemy and cause hurt and destruction to those around you. I wish you the best and maybe the RA prison could be the best thing to ever happen to you. In 2024 you should seek professional help to defeat your issues and demons once and for all. Get help for alcoholism and gambling. Hit the gym hardcore (maybe try hiring a personal trainer, seriously). Try reading the Bible and going to church. 2024 can be alot better year than 2023 but it is all down to you and your mindset"

"Dear Gganbu

Thank you for gracing us with your amazing play this year. Undoubtedly the highest level of RA play seen on CnCNet since Ehy. The way you manhandled an incredibly strong player Dynamic 15-4 on Ladder that month was incredible and you have cemented your legacy as one of the greats of the game. Congratulations on proving your undisputed status as the best player in the world 2023"

"Dear Mr Anonymous

Thank you for being my eyes on the inside. Regular feedback. Sorting out the men from the boys, calling a spade a spade. In 2024 I want to see more BOs set up to fill the very large vacant hole left by Lordy's absence"

"Dear Yuz

Ya are one jammy cunt I am rusty and not able to play 120 hours a week like you anymore. I pump ya silly most of the time."

"Dear rest of CnCNet players (except laggers, butlers and nonces)

Have a wonderful festive period spent with family and friends. Become wise like I have in my old age and realise there's more important things than video games. Put down the keyboard and enjoy yaself. Spread love not hate where possible and I wish you every success in 2024"

Sorry bigD and Maud ya not on the Christmas card list this year.

Great Uncle Crush

The Official Red Alert Power Rankings

One of the questions I am asked the most often by casual readers of this blog is "who are the best players in the world?" I'll answer that question and provide an answer to what is universally considered the top 5 in order in both formats of the game at present. 2v2 and 1v1 play kind of differently.

Also I'd like to give a big point and laugh at all other failed bloggers. Many noobs have tried and failed to blog but they give up after a month or 3-4 articles. I'm the only one with any talent at writing and know how to keep you all coming back, hanging on my every word. Special shout-out to the Chilean and Kosovan RA community, my blog has over 1000 unique page views from these countries since its inception, in the demographics section (can provide screenshots if needed) . I never realised my journalism was so damn popular in obscure countries like Chile and Kosovo. Can anyone answer why???

Just for reference, most views come from the USA, with UK 2nd and Germany 3rd. 

Anyway, without further ado, here's the Official current top 5 Power Rankings dated 11th December 2023.

1v1

1. Gganbu

2. Dynamic

3. Bea5ty

4. Hezb

5. Jacob

2v2

1. Gganbu

2. Bea5ty

3. Dynamic

4. Rushy

5. Hezb

Thanks for reading. Keep reading and I'll keep flexing. 

Crush Caesar.

PS Can Maud stop posting gym pics on creepy RA loser discords. Everyone knows the old adage "the bigger the biceps = the smaller the penis". You're fooling no-one buddy. 

OFFICIAL RED ALERT 1 AWARDS YEAR 2023

It's that time of year again when we hand out some prizes for the best performers of the year...

All I ask is that you go out of your way to recognise the award winners! Make sure you congratulate them and remind them of their achievements!!!!

To be completely honest - it's been a very shit year for Red Alert. Lots of random crappy tournaments (fight night) instead of decent organised events (like LCS). Sometimes questionable decisions and lack of competitiveness. Regardless, there's still been some standout performers this year so let's honour them and recognise their achievements:

Clan Leader of the Year 2023

Congratulations to ORA-Lordy, the clear and obvious winner of this award. Phenomenal achievement to resurrect a dead clan after its old leader publically moved on to pastures new. Lordy turned ORA's fortunes around and put respect back on the name. It's very obvious that he was the best clan leader of 2023. Let's see what 2024 brings and hopefully we see an ORA vs TDS showdown in the not too distant future!

Freak of the Year 2023

Congratulations to Dutchy for regularly spamming the lobby with his paranoid delusions and his mental illness. A worthy winner of this award and be sure to congratulate him every time you see him in 2024 with "hello freak of the year!"

Lagger of the Year 2023

This goes to Butcher's personal spunk bucket, Fighter. Guaranteed to have a 53 FPS game when this guy is around! Congratulations!

Rookie of the Year 2023

Unfortunately, we must reveal that this award has NO WINNER for the calendar year 2023. This year has seen no new talent of note which is a very depressing trend for the future of Red Alert. No new players even managed to reach darkothedon level this year so we simply cannot award this. Hopefully 2024 sees some budding petersky or zizou calibre players!

Butler of the Year 2023

There was only one real contender for the award this year, the reigning and defending champion from 2022, Ad ! The Butler proved himself to be above everyone else as he was regularly in supply of towels for conceding when losing series 3-0. Ad whored himself around in 2023 from alpha to alpha looking for wins. In light of Ad winning the award for 2 consecutive years, I think he deserves the status and recognition of his old name (Ad) being permanently consigned to the dustbin of Red Alert history! From now on, simply refer to him as The Butler in honour of his achievements. Be sure to greet him with a "Hello Butler, how are you?" whenever you see him going forward! Congratulations!

Most Improved Player 2023

This goes to RedAlert1, he is not as shit as he was this time last year! He's gotten quite decent due to playing ladder and is now about Hank level whereas last year he was Tocaia level. Congratulations on your award!

Streamer of the Year 2023

Yuzgen. Duh. 15 Hour streams as an elderly Turkish man. This legend literally sacrifices his entire sex life for the good of Red Alert! He's literally got a rota system with the postman and the milkman to  attend to the Mrs while he gets on the HJK6! Yuzgen deserves his name engraved on the Milo jockstrap and the At0m1 zippo in honour of his achievements at this point! A true legend and jizz puppet of the game!

Disappointment of the Year 2023

This goes to Jacob! Congratulations! His game has gone backwards after a promising 2022. Highlights include losing 8-0 to Dynamic in 32 minutes, and getting pumped 4-0 by a rusty me on ladder. Jacob is definitely not as good as I thought he was going to be and it's rather disappointing. He's kind of like a top pick in the NFL draft who doesn't quite make it in the pro game! I wonder if he can turn it around in 2024! Perhaps leaving bart's coaching behind was a bad move for this former talent!

Lifetime Achievement Award 2023

This goes to the Big Aussie Stripclub Bouncer, Kickn. He has been a dedicated part of the community for decades now and has become like Rayman level 3 for all new players. He's even been able to improve his game in the last couple of years after taking some coaching tips from OldPr0. Congratulations to Kickn who deserves his place in the Red Alert Hall of Fame!

Player of the Year 2023

Finally we get to the Big Daddy Award for 2023. This goes to Gganbu , he proved he is the undisputed best player in the world by demolishing formidable opponent and runner-up for this award, Dynamic, in their last series, by a scoreline of 15-4! He is also probably the best 2v2 player. This was a universal decision and all 5 players I asked voted for Gganbu. The clear unanimous winner! Congratulations!

Thanks for reading! Sorry if you are disheartened not to receive an award! Better luck next year!

Mr Boo.