Dynamic Vs Beast Review

R3sistant's Twitch stream of the match

Thank you to R3sistant for streaming the match of the year 2022 as we would finally find out who is the 2nd best player in the Red Alert world after Gganbu.

******SPOILER WARNING**** Click the link to watch the match before reading the following review.

The match had a considerable amount of pre-game hype as Dynamic would put his massive ego on the line against one of the most feared opponents in Red Alert, Bea5ty. As you may be aware, Bea5ty has been considered one of the strongest players in RA for several years and 18 months ago Dynamic was just a Remastered player who specialises in other C+C universe games.

After many months of training getting pumped by me on the Ladder, Dynamic now felt ready to take a shot at the Kosovan Koala. Would Dynamic get destroyed or would the Koala get its tummy tickled like its daddy bear?

Bea5ty was representing his boyfriend and sugar daddy in this match, Lordy. The Olympic-level-physique Englishman had been trolling Dynamic ever since he joined the classic RA1 community, so this match was serious. Dynamic was very clear in his intentions, he wanted to batter Bea5ty so bad that in his own words:

 (18) [15:17] <[oP-Dynamic]> we gonna see oxygen mask
(18) [15:17] <[oP-Dynamic]> usage
(18) [15:17] <[oP-Dynamic]> for lordy

The first game set the tone of the match.  Virtually everyone was expecting Bea5ty to take game 1 on P4 as it really suits his playstyle. However he seemed to misplay the game and handed it to Dynamic on a plate.

Next up was game 2, HJK6, chosen by Bea5ty. Once again, to the shock of the crowd, Dynamic took an intense game in which he seemed to win via brute production rate. Bea5ty did not seem to be at his absolute best, perhaps the pressure of impressing Lordy was getting to him.

After this Dynamic would quickly race into a 4-0 lead and things were looking very grim for Lordy's jizz puppet. Fortunately, Bea5ty was able to offer some hope and pulled off a victory on Arena Valley Extreme map, somewhat surprising as people expected this map to heavily favour Dynamic. An additional win on Pico (smart tesla positioning) for Bea5ty was enough to get 2 wins on the scoreboard but it was all in vain as he would eventually succumb to an 8-2 victory for Dynamic. Dynamic dominated the match throughout and was a deserved winner. In the aftermath, Lordy was seen carrying Bea5ty's bruised body from the ring:

Thanks for reading and hopefully you enjoyed the match. 

Keep calm and tank,

CrushyBoo

The biggest EGOs of the CnCNet era of Red Alert 1

This is a topic which needs addressed. I myself have in the past have been guilty of a massive ego. My massive ego usually appears on the scene after MrBoo mode is activated after the 14th alcoholic beverage has been consumed. Generally, actually, my ego isn't as big as people think. Yes I do think I'm one of the strongest overall players of Red Alert, however  I can openly admit there are a (very) small handful of players that are even stronger than myself (even though I can still pump them silly from time to time on the odd game), for example:

                                                          [Get fucking shit on, cunts]

A true egomaniac is someone who thinks they are virtually unbeatable or are God level, untouchable, special. In other words someone with "bratty spoilt child syndrome". I would first like to give some honourable mentions before I start the list. 

 Ehy - was the best player I've faced, and he did have a massive ego, but he didn't brag about it - he was very professional in his approach. Ehy did not have the megalomaniac mental illness type ego that the top 5 possessed.

Similarly, Bea5ty and Ford are amazing players and 2 of the best players I've faced, but are surprisingly unboastful in their approach compared to the colourful characters who made the list. 

 I also consider Robskate to have a massive ego. The guy thinks he is a God of the game, but in reality he is extremely limited in his skill set. Yes he is very strong on a small Q-tank or GQ tank scenario or standard maps like path and KOTG, but this is a guy who is literally a beginner on a soviet building game or an allies chrono/heli scenario. I'm not exaggerating when I say I would rather have sp0ckab or KOBA on my team in a p4 or rasta 2v2 long game.

Finally, Oldpr0 might come across as having an incredible inflated view of himself, but deep down he knows he is just kind of trolling and playing a character. In reality knows there's dozens of players stronger than himself and just does it for a WWE style show. That's why we do love our OldPr0 and he is the most entertaining clown on CnCNet - he's a money drawer that's for sure.

Without further ado, I present the 5 biggest egos of the CnCNet era of Red Alert:

5) NastyNate

Secretly, Nate has almost a bigger ego than anyone. I do strongly believe that all his chitter chatter of being retired and not playing seriously is to protect his ego. I have seen behind the mask a few times and what I've seen is someone who thinks they are the supreme being of this game, and any sort of threat is shunned with a ferocious precision. That's why you have never seen Nate enter the 1v1 battle arena for the last decade! I shudder to think of the impact it would have on Nate's psyche were he to get bartsamad on a pico or riverboated on a 4c. In reality it's true that Nate has one of the biggest egos of all, as he's the only top 10 player in the last decade to not roll up his sleeves and rumble.

4) Dynamic

Some people might be surprised that everyone's favourite chubby poodle does not appear higher on the list, as Dynamic openly arrogantly professes his God-like ability. However, it's true that you do sometimes see a softer side of Dynamic and he openly admits for example that he holds Beasty's pocket and rolls his joints in a 2v2 scenario. Additionally, there's been some even crazier egos in Red Alert so to achieve 4th place is still a remarkable feat.

3)  RC1985

When someone refers to themself in the 3rd person as a messiah you know there's some latent daddy issues/ego problems there. Everyone's favourite Red Alert youtuber did have a bit of an ego problem. However, he's not quite as high on the list as the top 2 due to the fact that he would openly admit when people are better than him. For example, he did particularly enjoy polishing Ehy's shoes. Ultimately, you can't have the biggest ego if you don't think you are the best.

 

2) Milo234

I love Milo to bits. Everyone loves the beholder of the almighty golden jockstrap and there's nothing wrong with having an ego. However, it's true Milo spoke with an autistic level arrogance about his abilities and approach to the game. He spoke as if he was 100% true in everything he wrote or said. It must have been a shock to the system when for example he got destroyed by H3zb on their Bo11 1v1 and when he realised that tanks are not the optimal play on HJK6. 

1) At0m1

A facile decision. At0m1 was literally the Wizard of Oz of Red Alert. He would sit on the balcony and call everyone else nublets or nubenators. Nothing ever impressed At0m1 and he would belittle Ehy's achievments and victories. I actually liked At0m1 on a personal level and found him kind of cool, but it doesn't take a genius to work out that this guy's ego was bigger than NastyMuad's steroid collection. At0m1 takes the crown for the biggest ego in the history of CnCNet Red Alert. See the below clip for how I viewed At0m1:

 Thanks for reading, stay tuned for more!

El CrushyBoo

  

 

The bear has been caged

The hot news in the Red Alert universe this week is that the father of XI (also known as The Bear, The Ogre, Bea5ty's joint roller and Lordy) has been banned for 30 days 😔😱.

Many have speculated why this may be so. Did he cheat? Racist abuse? Cursing at admins? I am here, with exclusive sources, to set the record straight.

The bear is not getting any honey for the next 30 days out of choice. 😱😱😱!! Yes that's right, you heard it. After the latest match in which his partner Rushy threw away a 5-2 lead against ORA (losing 5-6), The Bear decided it needed a break from the game.

So deep was the addiction that The Bear called down an admin and politely asked for a 30 day naughty step timeout so he could escape his addiction and focus on more important things (eg getting drunk and fighting with male 19 year old fashion design students in the pub).

So yes, welcome to a world in which we will have 30 days of Red Alert without Lordy. Don't worry, however, as there seems to be lots of games on offer, last night there were 3x full 2v2 pr0 games on the go for several hours. Jump on and feed your crack-like addiction to this 30 year old game.

In other news, Jacob was wondering why he was mentioned in my previous article and questioned its accuracy. To explain why Jacob is the front-running candidate for "Passed around blunt of the year 2022" I would like to introduce non Brits to a football manager known as Steve Bruce. This is the list of football teams which Brucey has managed:

As you are well aware, I hold this blog to the highest standards so I don't appreciate my journalistic integrity being questioned. By virtue of the fact that Jacob in the last year has played for ORA, NM, RAM, OP, 1, BAT, I think we would be well within our rights to start calling him ORA-Steve or ORA-Bruce. Jacob has joined a new team this year even more often than the number of times oldpro has lost all his chips at the poker table.

That's all for now folks. Hopefully the bear will get his honey after 30 days.

Credit to R3sistant for the article title*.

CrushyBoo.

Why I left ORA clan

Just to set the record straight and refute some false rumours.

Firstly, I am still on good terms with ORA-boy. He's a good guy. A genuine, nice person, I have absolutely no problem with him whatsoever and wish him every success.

I have left the clan because I do not have enough time or energy to devote to competitive Red Alert. I'm not interested in training hard to compete in 2v2 clan matches. I simply don't have the drive that I once did. I don't enjoy spending Saturdays playing RA tournaments or 2v2 matches and would rather devote my limited free time to other, more sociable activities. I enjoy this game and like to play in my free time particularly on week nights when I get a chance, however I simply cannot commit to hardcore competitive play anymore like I was able to when I was a student or during the covid pandemic. Life comes first. This is the absolute truth and if you think I am lying then I couldn't care less. It is what it is. I just simply don't care about winning or being good at Red Alert anywhere near as much as I used to. Even losses don't really hurt me like they once did. Perhaps I'm just getting older (and wiser) - after all there's a few grey hairs appearing on my head! 😧

Above was the predominant reason I have left the clan. To avoid being a distraction and stop being asked to play in competions in which I have no wish to compete. Perhaps one day this will change, but not for the forseeable future as I am extremely busy with other endeavours in life.

And NO, I am not interested in joining other clans. I left clan warfare because I wish to be a lone ranger legend like bart. A God-like figure who watches from the balcony and scoffs at the mediocre play being displayed.

Also Blitz is an untrustworthy snake who sucked off Davie the clown 🤡 when myself and Leigh got banished for a month. A 2-faced cunt.

Jacob also has the same slut gene as Lordy. In the last year alone he/she has represented OP, NM, RAM, BAT, [1] and ORA. I think he/she had an addiction to jumping on the first available cock that that he/she sees.

Just a short update.

Keep calm and tank!

End of Year Awards 2022 - Nominations now open

Pleased to announce that the draft of Awards for Red Alert 1, Year 2022, are now open. Vice President of Player Relations, bart, will be collecting your nominations. Unfortunately, my time schedule is such that I simply don't have enough time to enter into direct communications with B-tier or lower players at the moment. Direct communication with me is through a 3rd party only. You should communicate via bart in the first instance. A-tier players can message me through the normal channels and I'll try to reply when I'm back from my mountain climb, navy seal fitness contest or my deadlifting.

Anyway, below is a a run-down of the various awards and criteria. We'll start with the most prestigious award first:

Butler of the Year

Budo has graciously surrendered the most prestigious award of "Butler of the Year" as he would like to see another player benefit from its prestige in 2022.

ORA-Crushy: Can you say a few lines about what the title of Butler of the Year meant to you?

Budo: The experience has been life changing. It was euphoric to receive such a recognition. It was an honour to win this award and made all the years of laundry changing and piano polishing worth it. I really am so grateful for the prestige and opportunities that have come with this accolade. I've now moved into a consultant role - I train the next generation of aspiring Butlers. Therefore, it's only right that I could not in good faith retain the award for this year - there are many deserving of its grandeur. I can't wait to see who takes the title for 2022 and best wishes to all candidates! May the best gin pourer win!

Have any Butlers stood out to you this year? Any particularly clean plates and dishes? The air freshener particularly refreshing after a sweaty t-dawg 2v2? Get your nomination and reasons into bart asap.

Lifetime achievement award

Yuzgen took home the title for 2021 after dedicating his sphincter muscle to 20+ years of defeats. Yuzgen single handedly turned many aspiring pros into men over 10s of 1000s of games, many of which were live streamed for our viewing pleasure.

Has any player achieved a remarkable feat in 2022? Who has gone the extra mile to cement their name into Red Alert history? Get your votes into the 4-letter-word, official Rank 5 player on CnCNet, bart.

Rookie of the Year

Dynamic took this title in 2021 after dumping the shitty low-IQ Remastered version of the game and starting to play proper RA. Have any bat-metz or nastyahlem type players made an impression on you this year? Anyone rising through the ranks at a rapid rate? Get your votes into the offical rank 1 American player.

Streamer of the Year

Any player had particularly good commentary? A particularly robust set of sweaty man-boobs? Noobish Q? Losing won games? Who has been the most entertaining streamer this year? Let the 4 lettered God know ASAP.

Player of the Year

The least important award. Who actually gives a shit who wins at this 30 year old game. Regardless, we'll give it out anyway out of tradition. blah blah blah.

Bonus Awards

Stay tuned for some surprise bonus awards recognising dedication to the game.

Get your nominations in!