A message to Bea5ty

 Don't be upset that Dynamic took ya spot. This is the way of the animal kingdom. It's the circle of life. The lion dominates the tribe for years but one day he gets old, a young testosterone raging lion from another pack comes along and has the balls to fight the lion for the head of the tribe. The older lion is now jaded and perhaps not the force he once was - years of complacency and age have taken their toll. As a result, the young lion is able to defeat the once feared great warrior and take his head and crown.

All great champions had brutal losses at the end of their career - Mike Tyson getting destroyed by Lennox Lewis, for example. It doesn't take anything away from your part in RA history. The same will happen to Dynamic too one day, no doubt. Perhaps a BAT-metz or a Nastyahlem will come along and send him to the dumpster. It's the circle of life. Get this banger of a tune on and relax:

Just don't feel bad and keep ya head up. Lordy will still be there to give ya post-sex cuddles win, lose or draw.

The Official Red Alert Awards for 2022

Well it's finally here. Get yourself a cup of tea and a cupcake, maybe some popcorn, as we finally reveal the official award winners for the past year in Red Alert 1.

We'll start out with some of the minor awards before building up to the 2nd most important award (player of the year), before ultimately revealing the most coveted and prestigious prize of them all, BUTLER OF THE YEAR - join the Twitter trend #BOTY2022.

 Rookie of the Year 

This was a straight shootout between abc and ahlem, who a year ago were both total nubenators and p4/liquid exclusive noobs. Both have upped their game considerably in the last year. On balance, Ahlem has made more rapid progress, best highlighted by joining a B-tier clan (Nasty), whereas abc remains at C-tier clan level ([1]), therefore the panel recognises this phenomenal rate of improvement for Ahlem and awards him the title of Rookie of the Year 2022. Congratulations Ahlem! Hopefully your rate of improvement can improve and you will break through to A-tier and the big leagues in 2023!

Lifetime achievement award

The panel also decided that this award had a unanimous winner. It takes some going to play 100,000+ games of Red Alert 1 online multiplayer over 25 years and never have constructed a single service depot. This man literally sells his construction yard on any map after his 6th war factory and 3 ore refs are down just to not clutter his sidebar! Forget a service depot, forget even a chronosphere, I'm pretty sure the winner of this award does not actually even know that Iron Curtain and Gap Generator are aspects of this game. The winner of the award for achieving the lifetime milestone of 25 years with no service depot goes to robskate.

Clan slut of the year 2022

Another category which had a unanimous winner. Jacob has been passed around the Red Alert 1 clan fraternity on CnCNet like a dog toy. Jacob in the last year alone sniffed the jockstraps of OP, ORA, 1, NM, BAT and RAM clans. A phenomenal achievement and we present him the title of Clan slut of the year 2022 in recognition of his dedication to this cause. He truly made even serial clan sluts like Lordy and Zizou look like unblemished virginal brides.

Big d*ck swinging alpha of the Year 2022

There can of course only be one winner of this award. Only one player has the balls to drive their MCV across the map and dump a flame tower in your face while you are already building a 2nd war factory. No other player has the wizardry and craftiness to apc your CY like an absolute badass. The testosterone levels on this guy are off the charts as he has the balls to do what no other mere mortal player can only dream of. The sama, the American badass, the 4 letter word, BART is the winner of this award, and naturally so. Undisputed standout performer of the year in this category.

Clown of the Year 2022

The only player to retain his title from 2021. Find this guy being a beta male and cucking the pros on every twitch stream or playing in Arena Valley FFAs with noobs while there's some pro game rooms open. Congratulations to the biggest joke on Red Alert, Butcher! 🤡 

Streamer of the Year 2022 

This award goes to [BAT]N8Diaz. He has the most entertaining Red Alert stream but not necessarily because of the game play! It's really enlightening and a scientific experience to witness someone's mouse cursor when they are completely engulfed by an acid-trip bong cloud. Indeed, you won't get to see how many credits the players have or what's happening on the battlefield when you tune into Diaz's twitch stream, but you will be treated to a marvelous assortment of underground trance music and you'll have the full front-seat experience of witnessing someone in real-time whose brain has been reduced to complete mush after years of hitting the bong. If you want to observe what an LSD trip looks like in virtual reality, tune into N8's games on twitch! Congratulations!

Leigh: Hi Diaz, how are you doing mate?

Diaz: Hey brooo, sorry who is Diaz?

[5th dimension of the mushroom adventure]

Player of the Year 2022

You might think this award is a straight shootout between Gganbu and Dynamic. However that only really takes into account 1v1 play, in which they have gone back and forth (with Gganbu beating Dynamic slightly more than he loses according to ladder statistics). However, this year there was a performer in 2v2 who was so marvelous that we had to give him the award for Player of the Year.

Imagine playing 30+ Bo11 series with a 19 stone handicap on your back and being able to win series against 2 pros. Rushy aka herm has been able to carry Lordy to some wins that onlookers would otherwise think impossible. Literally any other player would probably have lost all those series 6-0 or 6-1, that's a testament to how great Rushy is.

Due to having amazing team play and some of the best carrying skills ever seen in Red Alert 1 online multiplayer, it's fair to award Rushy this award. Congratulations! Someone get this man some much needed massage therapy and allow his back a few months to rest and heal, for goodness sake!

Butler of the Year 2022!!!!!

Well it is of course the prize everyone wants to win. The apex of Red Alert 1 online multiplayer. Last year we had a great ambassador for the game in Budw who won this award with pride. The winner of this year had big shoes to fill. 

There were many contenders who were desperate to get their hand on the prize, so the panel would like to give an honourable mention to the runner-up, Dutchy. Dutchy showed admiral skills in becoming Lordy's personal butler in Xi/Ex clan. Dutchy was happy to wipe Lordy's greasy ass crack after a McDonalds Super Size Big Mac Meal every night, and happy to lick the sweat off his man-boobs in between games. Dutchy did an admiral job and even performed to a high standard in his clan battles alongside his daddy. However, he did not quite win the award as we agreed that Dutchy had improved too much in his actual gameplay to be eligible for the winner's prize. It's true that Dutchy has markedly improved his game since being coached by Lordy and so it would be more appropriate to christen Dutchy the "most improved player of the year.". Unlucky Dutchy, but a valiant effort and you narrowly missed out on winning the most prestigious prize of all.

Well it's the moment you've all been waiting for. The panel spent hundreds of hours gathering the data and studying the landscape, and we have decided on the #BOTY2022 winner. A worthy winner who I am sure will wear the badge with honour. To explain how we decided on this year's winner, the voting panel would like to set the scene:

Imagine you are a lowly C-tier rank 50 level player who can only Q and can't build or use infantry, let alone play infinite ore maps. Imagine you bounce around the streets of CnCNet like a cheap filthy $5 crack whore looking for a c*ck to suck so you can join your next clan. Imagine constantly hopping around the top 3-4 players like a groupie at a Motley Crue concert. That's the dedication this individual went to in an effort to secure the Butler of the Year award. The panel noticed it. The panel are aware that this individual would only ever play in matches were he teaming up with Bea5ty or Dynamic. The panel realised that this individual was happy to pour the drinks and light the cigars of his masters, as long as he could Q-tank his way to being carried to victories in 2v2 matches. When you paint this picture and realise the effort and dedication that went into this, it becomes crystal clear that this is what we look for in a Butler of the most highest standard. Congratulations therefore, to Ad on securing the Butler of the Year 2022 title! Happy butlering in 2023, show us all how it's done by butlering for Gganbu in your next series against KOBA and sp0ckab and complete the set!

#BOTY2022 AD

Congratulations to all the prize winners! Commiserations if you missed out on an award, hopefully it will motivate you to come back even stronger next year! 

Sir CrushyBoo

Dynamic Vs Beast Review

R3sistant's Twitch stream of the match

Thank you to R3sistant for streaming the match of the year 2022 as we would finally find out who is the 2nd best player in the Red Alert world after Gganbu.

******SPOILER WARNING**** Click the link to watch the match before reading the following review.

The match had a considerable amount of pre-game hype as Dynamic would put his massive ego on the line against one of the most feared opponents in Red Alert, Bea5ty. As you may be aware, Bea5ty has been considered one of the strongest players in RA for several years and 18 months ago Dynamic was just a Remastered player who specialises in other C+C universe games.

After many months of training getting pumped by me on the Ladder, Dynamic now felt ready to take a shot at the Kosovan Koala. Would Dynamic get destroyed or would the Koala get its tummy tickled like its daddy bear?

Bea5ty was representing his boyfriend and sugar daddy in this match, Lordy. The Olympic-level-physique Englishman had been trolling Dynamic ever since he joined the classic RA1 community, so this match was serious. Dynamic was very clear in his intentions, he wanted to batter Bea5ty so bad that in his own words:

 (18) [15:17] <[oP-Dynamic]> we gonna see oxygen mask
(18) [15:17] <[oP-Dynamic]> usage
(18) [15:17] <[oP-Dynamic]> for lordy

The first game set the tone of the match.  Virtually everyone was expecting Bea5ty to take game 1 on P4 as it really suits his playstyle. However he seemed to misplay the game and handed it to Dynamic on a plate.

Next up was game 2, HJK6, chosen by Bea5ty. Once again, to the shock of the crowd, Dynamic took an intense game in which he seemed to win via brute production rate. Bea5ty did not seem to be at his absolute best, perhaps the pressure of impressing Lordy was getting to him.

After this Dynamic would quickly race into a 4-0 lead and things were looking very grim for Lordy's jizz puppet. Fortunately, Bea5ty was able to offer some hope and pulled off a victory on Arena Valley Extreme map, somewhat surprising as people expected this map to heavily favour Dynamic. An additional win on Pico (smart tesla positioning) for Bea5ty was enough to get 2 wins on the scoreboard but it was all in vain as he would eventually succumb to an 8-2 victory for Dynamic. Dynamic dominated the match throughout and was a deserved winner. In the aftermath, Lordy was seen carrying Bea5ty's bruised body from the ring:

Thanks for reading and hopefully you enjoyed the match. 

Keep calm and tank,

CrushyBoo

The biggest EGOs of the CnCNet era of Red Alert 1

This is a topic which needs addressed. I myself have in the past have been guilty of a massive ego. My massive ego usually appears on the scene after MrBoo mode is activated after the 14th alcoholic beverage has been consumed. Generally, actually, my ego isn't as big as people think. Yes I do think I'm one of the strongest overall players of Red Alert, however  I can openly admit there are a (very) small handful of players that are even stronger than myself (even though I can still pump them silly from time to time on the odd game), for example:

                                                          [Get fucking shit on, cunts]

A true egomaniac is someone who thinks they are virtually unbeatable or are God level, untouchable, special. In other words someone with "bratty spoilt child syndrome". I would first like to give some honourable mentions before I start the list. 

 Ehy - was the best player I've faced, and he did have a massive ego, but he didn't brag about it - he was very professional in his approach. Ehy did not have the megalomaniac mental illness type ego that the top 5 possessed.

Similarly, Bea5ty and Ford are amazing players and 2 of the best players I've faced, but are surprisingly unboastful in their approach compared to the colourful characters who made the list. 

 I also consider Robskate to have a massive ego. The guy thinks he is a God of the game, but in reality he is extremely limited in his skill set. Yes he is very strong on a small Q-tank or GQ tank scenario or standard maps like path and KOTG, but this is a guy who is literally a beginner on a soviet building game or an allies chrono/heli scenario. I'm not exaggerating when I say I would rather have sp0ckab or KOBA on my team in a p4 or rasta 2v2 long game.

Finally, Oldpr0 might come across as having an incredible inflated view of himself, but deep down he knows he is just kind of trolling and playing a character. In reality knows there's dozens of players stronger than himself and just does it for a WWE style show. That's why we do love our OldPr0 and he is the most entertaining clown on CnCNet - he's a money drawer that's for sure.

Without further ado, I present the 5 biggest egos of the CnCNet era of Red Alert:

5) NastyNate

Secretly, Nate has almost a bigger ego than anyone. I do strongly believe that all his chitter chatter of being retired and not playing seriously is to protect his ego. I have seen behind the mask a few times and what I've seen is someone who thinks they are the supreme being of this game, and any sort of threat is shunned with a ferocious precision. That's why you have never seen Nate enter the 1v1 battle arena for the last decade! I shudder to think of the impact it would have on Nate's psyche were he to get bartsamad on a pico or riverboated on a 4c. In reality it's true that Nate has one of the biggest egos of all, as he's the only top 10 player in the last decade to not roll up his sleeves and rumble.

4) Dynamic

Some people might be surprised that everyone's favourite chubby poodle does not appear higher on the list, as Dynamic openly arrogantly professes his God-like ability. However, it's true that you do sometimes see a softer side of Dynamic and he openly admits for example that he holds Beasty's pocket and rolls his joints in a 2v2 scenario. Additionally, there's been some even crazier egos in Red Alert so to achieve 4th place is still a remarkable feat.

3)  RC1985

When someone refers to themself in the 3rd person as a messiah you know there's some latent daddy issues/ego problems there. Everyone's favourite Red Alert youtuber did have a bit of an ego problem. However, he's not quite as high on the list as the top 2 due to the fact that he would openly admit when people are better than him. For example, he did particularly enjoy polishing Ehy's shoes. Ultimately, you can't have the biggest ego if you don't think you are the best.

 

2) Milo234

I love Milo to bits. Everyone loves the beholder of the almighty golden jockstrap and there's nothing wrong with having an ego. However, it's true Milo spoke with an autistic level arrogance about his abilities and approach to the game. He spoke as if he was 100% true in everything he wrote or said. It must have been a shock to the system when for example he got destroyed by H3zb on their Bo11 1v1 and when he realised that tanks are not the optimal play on HJK6. 

1) At0m1

A facile decision. At0m1 was literally the Wizard of Oz of Red Alert. He would sit on the balcony and call everyone else nublets or nubenators. Nothing ever impressed At0m1 and he would belittle Ehy's achievments and victories. I actually liked At0m1 on a personal level and found him kind of cool, but it doesn't take a genius to work out that this guy's ego was bigger than NastyMuad's steroid collection. At0m1 takes the crown for the biggest ego in the history of CnCNet Red Alert. See the below clip for how I viewed At0m1:

 Thanks for reading, stay tuned for more!

El CrushyBoo

  

 

The bear has been caged

The hot news in the Red Alert universe this week is that the father of XI (also known as The Bear, The Ogre, Bea5ty's joint roller and Lordy) has been banned for 30 days 😔😱.

Many have speculated why this may be so. Did he cheat? Racist abuse? Cursing at admins? I am here, with exclusive sources, to set the record straight.

The bear is not getting any honey for the next 30 days out of choice. 😱😱😱!! Yes that's right, you heard it. After the latest match in which his partner Rushy threw away a 5-2 lead against ORA (losing 5-6), The Bear decided it needed a break from the game.

So deep was the addiction that The Bear called down an admin and politely asked for a 30 day naughty step timeout so he could escape his addiction and focus on more important things (eg getting drunk and fighting with male 19 year old fashion design students in the pub).

So yes, welcome to a world in which we will have 30 days of Red Alert without Lordy. Don't worry, however, as there seems to be lots of games on offer, last night there were 3x full 2v2 pr0 games on the go for several hours. Jump on and feed your crack-like addiction to this 30 year old game.

In other news, Jacob was wondering why he was mentioned in my previous article and questioned its accuracy. To explain why Jacob is the front-running candidate for "Passed around blunt of the year 2022" I would like to introduce non Brits to a football manager known as Steve Bruce. This is the list of football teams which Brucey has managed:

As you are well aware, I hold this blog to the highest standards so I don't appreciate my journalistic integrity being questioned. By virtue of the fact that Jacob in the last year has played for ORA, NM, RAM, OP, 1, BAT, I think we would be well within our rights to start calling him ORA-Steve or ORA-Bruce. Jacob has joined a new team this year even more often than the number of times oldpro has lost all his chips at the poker table.

That's all for now folks. Hopefully the bear will get his honey after 30 days.

Credit to R3sistant for the article title*.

CrushyBoo.

Why I left ORA clan

Just to set the record straight and refute some false rumours.

Firstly, I am still on good terms with ORA-boy. He's a good guy. A genuine, nice person, I have absolutely no problem with him whatsoever and wish him every success.

I have left the clan because I do not have enough time or energy to devote to competitive Red Alert. I'm not interested in training hard to compete in 2v2 clan matches. I simply don't have the drive that I once did. I don't enjoy spending Saturdays playing RA tournaments or 2v2 matches and would rather devote my limited free time to other, more sociable activities. I enjoy this game and like to play in my free time particularly on week nights when I get a chance, however I simply cannot commit to hardcore competitive play anymore like I was able to when I was a student or during the covid pandemic. Life comes first. This is the absolute truth and if you think I am lying then I couldn't care less. It is what it is. I just simply don't care about winning or being good at Red Alert anywhere near as much as I used to. Even losses don't really hurt me like they once did. Perhaps I'm just getting older (and wiser) - after all there's a few grey hairs appearing on my head! 😧

Above was the predominant reason I have left the clan. To avoid being a distraction and stop being asked to play in competions in which I have no wish to compete. Perhaps one day this will change, but not for the forseeable future as I am extremely busy with other endeavours in life.

And NO, I am not interested in joining other clans. I left clan warfare because I wish to be a lone ranger legend like bart. A God-like figure who watches from the balcony and scoffs at the mediocre play being displayed.

Also Blitz is an untrustworthy snake who sucked off Davie the clown 🤡 when myself and Leigh got banished for a month. A 2-faced cunt.

Jacob also has the same slut gene as Lordy. In the last year alone he/she has represented OP, NM, RAM, BAT, [1] and ORA. I think he/she had an addiction to jumping on the first available cock that that he/she sees.

Just a short update.

Keep calm and tank!

End of Year Awards 2022 - Nominations now open

Pleased to announce that the draft of Awards for Red Alert 1, Year 2022, are now open. Vice President of Player Relations, bart, will be collecting your nominations. Unfortunately, my time schedule is such that I simply don't have enough time to enter into direct communications with B-tier or lower players at the moment. Direct communication with me is through a 3rd party only. You should communicate via bart in the first instance. A-tier players can message me through the normal channels and I'll try to reply when I'm back from my mountain climb, navy seal fitness contest or my deadlifting.

Anyway, below is a a run-down of the various awards and criteria. We'll start with the most prestigious award first:

Butler of the Year

Budo has graciously surrendered the most prestigious award of "Butler of the Year" as he would like to see another player benefit from its prestige in 2022.

ORA-Crushy: Can you say a few lines about what the title of Butler of the Year meant to you?

Budo: The experience has been life changing. It was euphoric to receive such a recognition. It was an honour to win this award and made all the years of laundry changing and piano polishing worth it. I really am so grateful for the prestige and opportunities that have come with this accolade. I've now moved into a consultant role - I train the next generation of aspiring Butlers. Therefore, it's only right that I could not in good faith retain the award for this year - there are many deserving of its grandeur. I can't wait to see who takes the title for 2022 and best wishes to all candidates! May the best gin pourer win!

Have any Butlers stood out to you this year? Any particularly clean plates and dishes? The air freshener particularly refreshing after a sweaty t-dawg 2v2? Get your nomination and reasons into bart asap.

Lifetime achievement award

Yuzgen took home the title for 2021 after dedicating his sphincter muscle to 20+ years of defeats. Yuzgen single handedly turned many aspiring pros into men over 10s of 1000s of games, many of which were live streamed for our viewing pleasure.

Has any player achieved a remarkable feat in 2022? Who has gone the extra mile to cement their name into Red Alert history? Get your votes into the 4-letter-word, official Rank 5 player on CnCNet, bart.

Rookie of the Year

Dynamic took this title in 2021 after dumping the shitty low-IQ Remastered version of the game and starting to play proper RA. Have any bat-metz or nastyahlem type players made an impression on you this year? Anyone rising through the ranks at a rapid rate? Get your votes into the offical rank 1 American player.

Streamer of the Year

Any player had particularly good commentary? A particularly robust set of sweaty man-boobs? Noobish Q? Losing won games? Who has been the most entertaining streamer this year? Let the 4 lettered God know ASAP.

Player of the Year

The least important award. Who actually gives a shit who wins at this 30 year old game. Regardless, we'll give it out anyway out of tradition. blah blah blah.

Bonus Awards

Stay tuned for some surprise bonus awards recognising dedication to the game.

Get your nominations in!

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

 For readers of a less advanced English functionality, the article title is loosely translated as "beware of the psycho chick when she gets dumped". 

In this context, Lordy's split up from OP has seemed to unleash a monster. The "bear" is now playing at a higher level than he ever has. Maybe this break up is what he needed.

Anyway, the bear did not stay single for very long. It was only around a month before Rushy was seduced into becoming Lordy's new man. It was commented that Lordy must have amazing BJ skills because it can't be the looks or brains that Rushy was seduced by. Regardless, for those wondering what the new clan "Xi" represents - XI is Roman numerals for the number 11. So it's pretty simple, Xi clan means this is Lordy's 11th clan. 11 clans is not actually the record holder - the record belongs to cousin/nasty/op/[1]/NM/[bat]/[wp] Ad who seems to join a new clan more often than he changes his underwear.

Xi clan have already made a historic mark on Red Alert and become a powerhouse. Players are getting called cunts and challenged to bo11s left, right and centre. This all culminated in a match being set - Robskate and Beast's new man (Dynamic) vs XI-Lordy and XI-Rushy.

You can watch the match courtesy of the big aussie strip club bouncer, K1ckn here: 

Kicknass Twitch (Xi vs SGQ nubs)    (Match starts at 5hours10mins).

***Spoiler Alert***

What we discovered in this series is that Robskate is not only "no depot 25 years", but also "no chrono 25 years". In game 1, left side visually had a 99.8% chance to win the game as seen in the below image. Literally UFF-Tocaia or sp0ckab would have helped Dynamic convert this position into a W with ease. However due to the fact that Robskate literally has zero long game skills (no chrono 25 years), the bear was able to heli his ass and give Xi a 1-0 lead in the series. This would set the tone for the rest of the match.

(Lordy basically dead on right side, BAT-Metz Germany for left side would have been able to convert this into a win).

The match went back and forth but the story was that the bear became the ogre and was on fire. You could tell he was letting out all the heartbreak and pent out aggression on his ex's new man. They were proper getting it. The ogre wanted and needed this win to restore some pride and he pumped them on many maps with Rushy doing his trademark tesla-antiSGQ  cockblocks.

The result was that Lordy and Rushy were an unstoppable force and pumped these lads 6-4. Many are now beginning to question whether Bea5ty made the right choice in choosing Dynamic over Lordy after all??? The general chat was that Bea5ty would have been able to carry Rob but Dynamic couldn't, perhaps Bea5ty has broader shoulders after all and has better chemistry with Lordy?

The saga continues.

Well done to 11 clan on this famous victory against Bea5ty's new man and NoChrono25years.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more.

A message to Funky: We miss you and thank you

 It has become apparent that FunkyFr3sh is no longer associated with Red Alert 1 for whatever reason. I truly hope for the best for him and hope he is well. Whatever differences I had with him in the past are stupid and fickle.

Ultimately, Funky was a saviour for our game the past decade. This game would have died a long time ago without him and we all owe him an enormous amount of gratitude. He worked tirelessly and for free and took a lot of shit from many players including myself which I regret.

Anyway, just wanted to thank him for everything if he ever reads this and to wish him the best. It's really appreciated by me personally and I hope everyone feels the same. His work was more important than any player and Red Alert would literally not exist anymore online if not for him.

Good luck mate and I truly hope you are well and succeed in your future endeavours.

Best wishes and enormous thank you.

Love Triangles Don't Work

Well don't say I didn't warn you. If you are familiar with one of my previous well known articles "Lordy's Lovers", you will be aware that I warned about the pitfalls of bringing a 3rd guy into the bedroom. That's exactly what Lordy did. A fatal mistake.

Lordy thought he had won himself a watch when he picked up Dynamic at the club and invited him home with he and Bea5ty. Lordy thought he would finally have his fantasy fulfilled and get to be the meat between two sandwich slices. Unfortunately for him, Dynamic and Bea5ty had other plans. Lordy was brutally kicked out of the bed and discarded like a used tampon.

Red Alert's hottest new young couple got the locks changed and Lordy's efforts to be allowed back in OP have all been ignored, despite his banging on the door and offering flowers and an olive branch. 

The result is that Lordy now feels like many of his own victims, used and abused. Traded in for a younger model. Replaced. He's now a shadow of his former self and has been seen begging such players as N8Diaz (BAT), Xxtreme (ORA) and Faust (A) for a spot in their clans. 

Unfortunately there has been no room at the inn so far. Please, if you or anyone you know have room for an English 38 year old Leather Biker type in your clan get in contact ASAP. Perhaps BRO-Lordy or [1]Lordy could become a reality. The stuff that dreams are made of.

Most of all, this experience must be new and pleasant for Faust. He's no longer getting habitually called a German cunt. Instead, he has been getting regaled with tales of how great a player he is and how he is such a nice guy. Somehow I don't think Lordy's usually irresistible flirtation and seduction techniques will work on Faust. Faust seems to be taking the position that he doesn't want to bang the chick after everyone else has had a go.

Who will be the "Knight In Shining Armour" and come to the rescue of the bear? Will RAM take sympathy and allow him into their group of B-Tier players? Will McLovin respond to the 48 unread Facebook messages telling him how RA is alive and well again and the game needs him back in TA? Perhaps his old pal Leigh will make [NM]Lordy a reality?

Whatever the case. If there's one positive for Lordy it's that he is now one of the biggest free agents in Red Alert. Many clans are most likely lining up with contract offers to sign him. After all every clan needs an enforcer. Everyone knows what you get when you sign Lordy - you're signing him for the muscle not for the brains.

Let's we as a community all wish Lordy well in his future endeavours. Remember the good times in OP and all the happy memories resting on Bea5ty's back. Let him go. There's plenty more fish in the sea. The future's bright. The future's orange.

If I could offer my own 2 cents, I would suggest that NastyLordy might be a good fit. Nate has proven with Muad that he is good at taming and training players who bark a bit too much. Nate would be a good mentor for the bear, keeping him level headed and focused. After all, Nasty by name, Nasty by nature.

What do you think? Who should rescue Lordy from the single life? Answers on a postcard.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more.

Beware of the dog!

 Red Alert 1 online is home to some weird and wonderful creatures. All forms of mental illness are represented on this haven of human excellence. It's often been said that Red Alert 1 could refute Darwin's Theory of Evolution, as you only need to spend but 5 minutes on there and you wonder how some of these beings won the sperm race and achieved natural selection all the way through to 2022. There's even an individual who identifies as an actual goose, see: Goose Lives Matter .

If you've been around long enough, you'll no doubt have seen or heard a dog barking when you play Red Alert 1 online. The Mad Dog on CnCNet is known as Muad Dib (or Maud if you are dyslexic like Leigh).

The Mad Dog first appeared around 2014 and would often bark after a frustrating loss "DjSAHFSFGHDGHDGHDGHDSGH!!! FFSSS!!! REEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Over time, the Mad Dog's behaviour became even more erratic as it would frequently just take up and leave in the middle of the game and look for a bush to shit in. Much to the dismay of its partners in 2v2.

Fortunately, in recent years, the Mad Dog got a new owner called NastyNate, who changed the dog's name to NastyMuad. Nate has generally been a good owner and has helped to keep it on a leash. It doesn't bark as much anymore. You'll occasionally see it growl and bare its teeth but Nate only needs to whistle and it usually behaves itself.

However, there are still some times when you see the Mad Dog's feral nature rear its ugly head. This is usually when its owner isn't online. 

I'm here to give some advice on how to handle the Mad Dog if you come across it in an aggressive state. My first tip would be to offer it a biscuit or a treat, this is usually all it's after. It just wants to feel a little bit of attention and love and it usually starts to behave itself again. Secondly, if it keeps barking and losing games, suggest it goes for a walk. Maybe it just needs some fresh air and to calm down and regroup. Finally, you can try giving it a pat on the nose or tickling its tummy, but beware if you get too close it might bite your Q finger off.

I'm a great believer that you should never blame the dog, you should always the blame the owner. The animal only does what it's trained to do. With this in mind, stay safe and protect yourself at all times.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more.

Lordy's Lovers

 Lordy has rightfully earned the title of the "Biggest Slut in Red Alert History". 

Since he burst onto the scene as a noob around 2015, Lordy has monkey branched his way to the top of the game by seducing and sleeping with gradually increasingly strong players.

Firstly, as a noob, he joined ORA-boy as he identified Boy as someone to learn from. Over a period of several months he trained with Boy before becoming cocky and arrogant after winning a couple of P4 rush 1v1s and started to look for a new man. See "Shiny object syndrome"  "Shiny Object Syndrome"   

The next man Lordy slept with would be At0m1 around 2017. At0m1 was known as a wise master Yoda figure who kept Lordy in the"Prison wife" position. Lordy was the ideal partner for At0m1 as it enabled him to repeatedly bully him in private Q master 1v1s (he knew he couldn't lose). This created awe and co-dependence in Lordy and he adores At0m1 to this day.

Still, At0m1 was too absent and never online. Often taking year-long breaks from the game. Naturally and quite understandably, this caused Lordy to become restless and need a new man in his life. That man would become of course , Fordy-TA around 2018. Fordy at that point was considered the best player in the world. It was only natural that Lordy would be attracted to him. He seduced Ford by frequently sending him financial donations and plaudits so that Ford would team up with him in tournaments. Hence the word "carrying" was born. Ford was able to carry Lordy on many occasions to many great victories. Lordy to this day still has feelings for Ford.

Ford however had too many mental health issues and would frequently abandon the game. This left Lordy feeling lost and confused as At0m1 would do the same thing - see Pumped and dumped . Mclovin a young maverick up and comer rising to the top of the game was the next player that Lordy was attracted to around late 2019. Over a period of time Lordy seduced and groomed the young Norwegian.  Albeit, you could always tell that Lordy was using Mclovin as a rebound and placeholder and was just waiting until At0m1 or Ford returned so he could monkey branch his way back.

Just like At0m1 and Ford before him, Mclovin too became disengaged with the game. This left Lordy feeling dazed and confused, his 3rd man in a row had left him high and dry, alone without someone to cuddle up to and carry him. Drastic times called for drastic measures and so Lordy started to seduce his mortal enemy, Bea5ty.

Lordy used to hate Bea5ty going so far as to call him an "albanian troll c*nt". He would often bully Bea5ty and abuse him for being unemployed. However, realising that all his other men had abandoned him, Lordy did a full pivot and realised that Bea5ty could make great long term relationship material. And boy what a relationship! OP was born and is going 2 years strong (the longest of any Lordy relationship). OP have achieved many great victories together and Bea5ty has been able to carry Lordy to some amazing wins. This is truly a match made in heaven.

The only problem now is that Gganbu and Dynamic have come along. Bea5ty is no longer the undisputed King of the Mountain and there are signs of him starting to get jealous that Lordy's eyes might be looking elsewhere. Are cracks beginning to show in the OP relationship? How long is it until Lordy can no longer resist the allure of Gganbu or Dynamic? Especially if Dynamic keeps improving and soon surpasses Bea5ty. He already destroys Bea5ty on all standard maps after all. It won't be long until Lordy cannot resist the urge to monkey branch up the ladder once more.

My word for advice to Dynamic would be to beware of Lordy's ambitions and his tendency to seduce, pump and dump, "ejaculate and evacuate". These are not the great foundations of a healthy romantic relationship. He will use you and abuse you until another alpha comes along.

What's next in store for this soap opera?

Which was your favourite Lordy relationship storyline?

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more!

Who is Gganbu?

It is the biggest mystery in Red Alert in years. An unidentified player arrived on the scene and annihilated everyone in 1v1. We will assess some of the clues in order to try to reveal the identity of the player. For example, his 2v2 game doesn't seem as strong as his 1v1 game suggesting a player more used to the early incarnation of the game which was dominated by 1v1 play.

In the May 2022 1v1 Ladder, Gganbu absolutely destroyed the competition. For example his last series with Akame (Bea5ty) he won 6-0 and Cowsmoo (Dynamic) 7-2. He absolutely murdered anyone and everyone who faced him in the May 2022 Ladder and proved himself to be easily the best 1v1 player in the world in 2022. Not even remotely close either as the statistics prove.

So the question is, who is he/she/they?

There have been a range of speculative theories. I'll dive into each of them.

1)Ford - This has been the most obvious suggestion. Ford supposedly retired and announced on his own blog that he had retired from Red Alert. The timing is suspicious and the playstyle of Gganbu tends to correlate well with the old Ford playstyle (extremely strong aggressive early Germany play with insane late game production).

Ford has strongly denied that he is Gganbu and has even posted a video showing himself playing against Gganbu in a one off Ribbon game . Moreover, Ford made a cameo appearance on a discord voice chat server with Leigh and others while Gganbu was playing in 2v2 which seemingly refutes the possibility of Ford being Gganbu.

Of course, Ford is a master of manipulation and it is possible he could have had a close friend login to the Gganbu name and play a few games in order to keep up the disguise so I would not rule out Ford being Gganbu completely. He is definitely one of the strongest candidates based on circumstantial evidence.

On the other hand, having faced Gganbu and Ford many games, I would honestly say that Gganbu's 1v1 play is even better than Ford's was. That could of course be down to practicing and try harding every game in order to reach his maximum level, however.

2) Milo - a strong candidate known for amazing Germany play but less good in 2v2. This fits the profile. Milo specialised in tank production with Germany and standard maps. These are aspects Gganbu excels at.

I would say however that Milo was known to be somewhat passive in his play and was subjected to getting rushed a lot. Gganbu on the other hand is hyper aggressive in his playstyle. Once again, however, this might be down to Milo putting in the practice and adjusting his game after studying his video collection of the most successful strategies. Milo was known to obsess over every detail of the game in order to optimise his strategy. If the meta game in 2022 demanded hyper aggressive light tank play then you could rely on Milo to work it out.

I would say that in my honest opinion, 1v1 Gganbu was definitely stronger than the best version of Milo I encountered so unless Milo put in some improvement then I doubt it was him.

3) Niklas - This old legend was known as one of the best players whoever lived and has many famous maps named after him such as 4c and NSC. Niklas was known to be in correspondence with people in the community as recently as 2021. Known for his exceptional Q tanking and aggressive play, it is not farfetched to opine that Gganbu could be an older version of Niklas returned after decades.

I would say that this is highly unlikely however. Niklas would be much older nowadays having played at the top of the game in the 90s. I do remember Gganbu struggled in his first couple of weeks playing once he appeared suggesting that Gganbu was someone shaking off rust. To conclude, it's highly unlikely that Niklas is Gganbu but it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

4) Lovehandles - I would be amazed if Gganbu is Lovehandles. I know LH well and he finds RA mundane and boring, I really cannot see him dedicating 12 hours per day to Red Alert like Gganbu has done recently. I'd be incredibly shocked if Lovehandles is Gganbu. Literally the only link you could make is that they are both insanely good players. Not enough for me. Pass.

5) RC1985 - This is certainly not impossible .RC was an extremely strong Germany 1v1 player with a great rush. Perhaps the motivation would be to keep a low profile while competing in order to avoid toxic dramas and conflicts with which he was associated in the past. It would not be the first time RC used a hider name (Nutrition) so it's certainly not impossible. I would say, however, that similar to Lovehandles,I can't see RC having the same drive which Gganbu is exhibiting. If I'm honest I do think Gganbu was stronger than peak RC as well but it's not impossible that RC did some secret GQ training. Very unlikely on balance.

6)Ehy - It's definitely not Ehy. Their playstyles are too different. Ehy was very pragmatic, resourceful and strategic. Gganbu plays with his foot to the pedal going extremely aggressive. Think Katsh or Yuzgen suddenly becoming a 1 dimensional SGQ Germany robot, that's how unlikely this would be. It's just not Ehy. Next.

7) At0m1 - This is actually one of the more likely possibilities. Of course At0m1 would hide if playing 1v1 given his personality type (Wizard of Oz vibes). The amazing Q and general tanking and production are attributes associated with At0m1. There is no evidence linking Gganbu and At0m1 however other than the fact that At0m1 has not been seen online for a good while. Not enough evidence to support it but we certainly cannot discount this theory.

8) Mclovin - This is also possible given their extremely high strength in 1v1 play and their ability to Q early and aggressively. McLovin was one of the nicer personalities I encountered on CnCNet however and I really couldn't see him caring enough or going to such extreme lengths to conceal his identity (unless it was a desperate measure to avoid Lordy badgering him to join OP).

9) Faust - The suggestion would be that Faust wanted another shot at 1v1 with Bea5ty and so constructed a new identity and playstyle. I do feel though that Gganbu is even more clinical and a slightly better player 1v1 than Faust so I deem it unlikely. Moreover, Faust was known for his amazing 2v2 teamwork which is probably the weakest part of Gganbu's game.

10) Someone else? Maybe he is just a new RTS player to Red Alert. Perhaps he is someone else from the past not mentioned here such as an old legend such as DeepBlue or JJ? Could Gganbu be the same player as M3mber? M3mber being the rusty version relearning the game? The M3mber player name disappeared from Ladder when Gganbu appeared. Food for thought.

Regardless, perhaps OldPr0 is trolling us all and is actually trying with his new mouse and just steamrolling everyone on Easy Street. Who knows. Maybe we will never know. It's fun to speculate however.

Who do you think it is? If I had to choose I would say it's just Ford mind-fucking us all.

Thanks for reading.

Who are the most talented players I have ever faced?

There is a big difference between someone's actual level and their raw talent. You can be relatively untalented but get to a super high level in this game through sheer hard work, grinding and determination. Milo (aka Blank) is probably the best example of this. He wasn't a top level player the first several years he played. However much like with his weight lifting exploits, he put in the hard time grinding in the practice lab and helped his game to become an elite level. 

I myself am not actually all that talented. I got to a decent level by playing a lot. I have faced many players who ascended at a far faster rate than myself and are clearly more talented in the game. There are many players like myself who got to a high pro level by grinding the 2v2 or 1v1 scene game after game. However you clearly notice when a special talent comes along.

I think what separates the absolute top players from the rest is that they have both. Raw talent and hard work/practice. You need both if you want to succeed at the very top of the game. 

Some of the most talented players I have faced include Jacob and Mclovin. They learned the game at a rapid rate within a couple of years. They were already top 10 level players after 2 years of playing. Mclovin was clearly exceptionally talented from the early beginning. Within his first couple of months playing on Liquid I already thought he was extremely strong. I didn't play for about 2 years before the pandemic and I remember once I returned I found out that the new [Mclovin-TA] was one of the absolute best players in the game on the 1v1 scene. I wasn't at all surprised. McLovin had gone from that raw talented liquid player and grown into an absolute machine with aggressive early Q. 

Similarly, Jacob is clearly extremely talented in terms of raw speed and play. I would say even to this day he is more of a "rough diamond" than Mclovin. Mclovin was definitely the stronger player at peak. I think this is because Jacob is somewhat stubborn and refuses to adapt his game to "standard" or "conventional" build orders. Often he will make plays and deploys which are baffling to other players. Plays that could be said to be "bad meta". Somehow he makes it work but I think it is fair to say he has got to where he is today based on raw speed and talent. He has room for improvement which is quite scary actually.

Faust is another extremely talented player. The guy basically played part time and was still one of the top tier top 3 players in our game when he was active. He would literally disappear for months playing other games, then show up and win tournaments. The guy is freakishly talented and I think if he put in the hardcore milo-esque training he would possibly be the best player in the game. Faust's loss to Beast in their 1v1 match is well documented. I think it highlighted the importance of having both talent/hard work. Beast was putting in the practice and constructed an expert gameplan to dismantle Faust, whereas Faust just basically showed up, played, and got his ass kicked.

Speaking of Beast. This player and his oft compared friend and rival, Mr Ford, are 2 other extremely talented players. Beast makes lots of high level split-group and sneak attack plays which are beyond the skills and capabilities of regular pro players. He thinks on a different level to the regular pro which is what separates him from most of the rest. Ford, too, has an exceptional talent for grasping the mechanics and maths of the game. He is able to create off-beat tactics and make them work. We can thank Ford for revolutionising the GQ aspect of the game in the mid 2010s. These 2 are a great example of how high the level can reach if you have both raw talent and hard work.

Another player to note is the Finnish Grandmaster, At0m1. The zippo master was well known for his rapid ascension to the top of the game. He was already a top 5 level talent tanker within 6 months of playing. However it is true that he did play in a relatively "dead" era of the game. Still it cannot be denied that At0m1's raw grasp of the game is very noticeable, this is evidenced in his videos, which still demonstrate a very high level of play, even by today's standards At0m1 - YouTube  . Still, due to the fact that he didn't really play actively in a competitive era, you could say that we never really got to see the best of At0m1.

Gravediga was also a very talented player. This guy (due in part to my trash-talk and training), rapidly ascended in the game during his peak 2017 era. He had an exceptional grasp of game awareness and was very strong in terms of knowing when to adapt or read the game. The problem the standard pro has is that they will often just play mechanically and hope for something to change (robskate and sputnik are good examples of this). The extremely talented players are able to switch things up on the fly.

I would say even players such as Ehy and NastyNate fall into the more "hard work" than "talented" category. They both reached an extremely high level but it is true that they did play thousands and thousands of games. I think in terms of raw talent there are others out there.

What about players such as RC1985? I would say RC was a bit more like myself. He had a good grasp of the game, but he did pile in the hours and practice hard to reach a high level. There have definitely been players with more raw talent than RC, and I am sure he would agree with this sentiment. Yuzgen is a very talented player but he is limited by raw mechanical speed. It's true that you can see from watching his streams that his brain for the game is exceptional. However his execution falls a little short of the top level because he isn't as fast in terms of production and mouse speed.

Blitz was a very talented player. He had zen level tanking skill. He was also very lazy and refused to properly learn some aspects of the game. I think if he had the same attitude and approach as say a Milo or an RC1985, he would have reached the very top of the game. Dynamic is a hard one to assess because yes he rapidly ascended in the game, however he did play 1000s of games for 6 months, 12 hours per day. He also brought experience in other RTS games to the table. However it was very obvious from very early on that Dynamic's ability in terms of micro play in the game was extremely high.

A final special mention before I reveal the ultimate winner must be given to the Chinese player known as Pinky323. He played very briefly during the early 2010s and I never saw him lose a single game. Even on 2v2 with At0m1 he won with all teams. He was, I believe, some friend or relative of ORA-SAM-wk and was some sort of starcraft2 pro. He was said by the Chinese to be superior to even Yaunger on Chinese Gaming Arcade so you know this guy was the real deal. Still, this was a very long time ago so I can't give him the primary spot.

All of the players I just mentioned pale in comparison to the talent of the "most talented" player I am about to reveal. Myself, RC and Ford have discussed this in the past and there was one player who stood out above all others. A player who basically never played or even enjoyed Red Alert for any substantial period of time whatsoever but who can show up and destroy platinum medal on the first attempt which every other pro thought was impossible at the time. A player whose micro play is second to none and who would easily be the strongest player in the game if he put in any amount of effort. This man/monster/machine is the Danish Tiberian Dawn legend, Lovehandles. Yes, Lovehandles is without a doubt the most talented player I have faced in my time playing competitive online Red Alert. I have not seen any other player compete in games after 3 years of not playing and be able to perform at as high a level as Lovehandles does (he was even able to win some 1v1s against peak Ehy despite not playing for 2 years). Every single other player needs at least a few games to "shake off rust" but Lovehandles just shows up and it's like he never was away. The below video is a great example. Tanja is a top 10-20 level very strong player who was very active a couple of years ago. Lovehandles just shows up after several years of not playing and demonstrates his titanic tanking skills.

To conclude. The answer to this question was actually straightforward. You will probably never get the chance to play with Lovehandles because he doesn't even like Red Alert. That's the scary and sad part. You will struggle to find a more humble and nicer player as well which is even more important.

Thanks for reading.

Ad officially joins #TeamYuz

19th February 2022, Well known tanker Ad (right) went to visit Grandmaster RAM-yuzgen (George Clooney lookalike on the left) for some builder lessons.

Yuz showed Ad how to find the service depot on the side menu and officially inducted him into #TeamYuz.

Yuzgen invites all players to Istanbul and he will show them who is a real man.

The current state of competitive Red Alert 1 [5th February 2022] *IMPORTANT*

 Here we are. Some 26 years after Red Alert 1's release (1996). Some would say we are lucky that the game is still played at all, given the thousands of possible new games players could choose. Most players are now in their 40s having played this game as teenagers or college students. It's pretty cool that some of the best players were not even born when this game was first released! (Jacob and Fordy, among others, for example).  I would say the fact that tournaments and video streaming content still exists for this game is a testament to its greatness. It has truly stood the test of the time. Of all the games from 1996, only a handful are played competitively online at all, and Red Alert is 1 of them. 

Maybe it's too much to ask for more "pro" level players and games given the above. Kids want to play the latest cool games such as Fortnite or COD. Old time players have families or demanding jobs/social lives (Milo, for example) or generally grow out of competitive video games. However, it's pretty sad that night after night for the last few months, it's been the same 10 or so players playing in pr0 2v2 games, and the ladder is pathetic with only really myself, yuz, dynamic, rob, bart, santi and a handful of others keeping it alive. 

This isn't new. In the last 5 years I can only think of 3 people who have gone from "average pro" to "super pro". These are Jacob and Mclovin (3 years ago now), and Dynamic (who was already a super high level player in similar related C&C games, so doesn't really count). So what I'm basically saying is there has been no new blood.

Bart in his last article touched on this subject but he seemed to complain about lack of opportunity. I would actually disagree with him and say it's a lack of effort. I want to officially call out players such as Petersky, Castle, Ahlem and the dozens of other "decent average pros". These guys have all now been playing for years and their playing level has stagnated. They are happy to just play shitty laggy liquid or p4 casual games which mean nothing and don't really increase your skill set.  If even 20% of these guys (yes I'm talking to the Dutchys, Kobas  and BAT-Metzs of the world as well) put in the effort, the game would benefit massively. This is not a difficult game in which to reach a high level. It just requires speed and dedication.  "Practice makes perfect". There's people with 85 IQ scores in the pr0 games (Muadib and Lordy, for example). 

So what's the answer? Pretty simple: put in the effort. No more complaining about lack of opportunities or games being too toxic. You have a very well designed ladder system that was made by volunteers. You can even play anonymously so no one will care if you lose. Everyone loses. Don't care about losing. For some reason people have anxiety about losing in 1v1. It's a game for fuck sake!  I guarantee if you guys put in the effort and started grinding ladder, your overall playing level and drive to get better would increase. Yes you might start off losing to the Yuzgens and Katshs of the world, but it will give you motivation. You will learn, and maybe one day overcome them. You only get better by playing better players and learning from them. You will not get better playing random custom 2v2 games with one dimensional game play. 

Another way to get better is to find a mentor. Study milo's guide here Milo's Red Alert Bible or watch the 100s of pr0 videos on YouTube. 

Then the complaints of "no opportunity" will no longer exist. Once people start seeing you top 5 on the ladder beating up rob and yuzgen, you will get the respect. You will be welcomed in the superpro 2v2 games with open arms. People will be excited to have new players. Bart actually got it wrong in some ways in his article. There's a misconception that the pro games are elitist. Conversely, the pro rooms are realistic. No one wants to play uncompetitive 1.5v2 or 2v1.5. I can guarantee you however that the R3sistants and Leighs of the world would love nothing more than for a guy like TKT-Ahlem to reach the next level and jump in the game.

I hope this message gets across and reaches someone. I don't mean to pick on anyone individually - just using examples. There's so much potential in this game. It's just depressing to see some of these talented players wasting away and not breaking through to the next level. We need new blood to come through and ascend to the top, or the game will indeed die as has been so often predicated by the pessimists as of late.

Imagine a world in which there are 50+ "superpro"s instead of 10. The range and diversity of games. The tournament possibilities. The potential is endless.

I just hope at least 1 person reads this and benefits from this. The game needs some new top level players coming through. If we ever want to see Tournaments again then it is needed. There's not enough decent players to make it worthwhile nowadays.

Thanks for reading. Step up to the plate!

What are the Top 5 "most pro" 2v2 maps?

 2v2 is the most popular form of the game at "Pro level". This is unusual in competitive gaming as usually 1v1 is considered serious games and team games are for fun in most other RTS. In Red Alert however the game mechanics often mean that 2v2 is a better style of game. 1v1 can be very monotonous base trade or Q style games with little room for creativity. Maps such as Keep off the Grass or HJK6 are exceptions to the rule and offer fun styles of game. Ford did an article on top 10 maps in general here. This, however, is a post centred around the best 2v2 maps so I shall not digress too much. 

I shall try to be objective as possible in defining the top 5 "most pro 2v2" maps and not choose my personal favourites (for example I have always enjoyed playing Pico 2v2 but it obviously doesn't make the cut as it is considered a gimmick map). Such things shall be considered in the ranking to make it as objective as possible: Popularity, Skill ceiling, Range of tactics (can allies and soviets both reasonably be played?), Teamwork, Map fairness (money balanced?).

Firstly I will get it straight off my chest and say that Ribbon Isle does not make the cut, despite its huge popularity. Neither does 4c Niklas. Ribbon Isle can become a stack off cluster fuck in the middle of the map, where often cruiser laming will decide the game. The map also has the problem of money imbalance. Germany also generally has a huge advantage for most players so the map is one dimensional. 4c has the huge problem of not being able to fit all 4 cocks through the hole at the bottom - this means that 4c can often become a lottery in terms of who takes North money first - therefore the skill level is lower than other maps. 4c is an amazing map, but it is a 1v1 map in my mind. 

V7 doesn't make the cut because it is a map which is fairly easy to defend and spam so therefore the range of skills required is not as high as other maps. You can pretty easily go 10 cy tesla spam or 6 war medium spam without much harassment on this map so it lacks the early game defensive skills required on the maps which did make the cut. 

5) Z Canuta Ore

The only ore map on the list. This is a solid map created by NastyNate which requires good tanking, scouting and money efficiency. It's not as highly ranked as some other maps on the list because it is true that ore maps are fairly limited in their range and diversity. You simply don't have the financial resources to execute the sort of tactics you could deploy on other maps. Also tanking is the overruling method of play on this map. You cannot 10 cy build for example. Yes you can potentially hybrid however overall it is a fairly one dimensional map type. Regardless, it definitely merits inclusion on the list as it strongly tests a specific skill set in Red Alert and is popular on the pro scene. I think Z Canuta is the best of the ore maps. 

4) Crush's Basement

At number 4 we have Crush's Basement. This is a hugely popular map created by Ford around 2017. Ford made the map after he was malding he lost to me 1v1 on HJK6 playing as Germany vs Russia so he wanted a map which focused on tank battles. This is a hugely popular map at the pro level and tests players' GQ/SGQ ability to the max. Russia can play here but in generally Germany will have a huge advantage and win the majority of the time. The reason it is not higher on the list is because it is limited in terms of its range of tactical options. It is fairly easy to block the gate and so rushing is pretty rare. Spam tanks and battle is pretty much the optimal option. There's also the problem that trucks do become chaotic once the inside money depletes and so the money situation holds the map down a bit. Still, this is a good solid map often seen in pro 2v2 games and deserves its status on the list as it is the best raw tanking map. 

3) Spacecraft

Yes it might seem arrogant to include a map I personally created on the list but it is for good reason. Spacecraft has quickly become one of the most popular maps on the 2v2 scene. It offers the challenging aspect of having to control your trucks manually to harvest gems instead of ore, this automatically raises the skill level required as you cannot just spam like a robot. You are also forced to fight for the middle and use your money efficiently to maximise production speed capability. It's a very fun and skillful map which sees many good games. Tanks and teslas can be a potent combination and often choosing the right moment to pop out a couple extra CYs can swing the game. Rushing is also possible so you need to be able to defend to a high level and scout the map well. Overall this is a very skillful map and it deserves its 3rd place ranking. 

2) T-Dawg

Credit where it is due. NastyNate may be best known as the guy who always ducks 1v1s, but he is also now known as a premier map creator in Red Alert. To date, this is his finest creation. T-Dawg has become a staple pro 2v2 map. You can choose both Soviets or Allies and have a strong chance of success. The "fight for the middle gems" which the map demands creates some extremely fun and exciting games. Teamwork is also incredibly important on this map as allocating resources to securing sections of the map can be the defining factor. There's also a plethora of tricks you can do on this map such as transporters, thieves, helis, migs, as well as plain old light tank rushes. This is a very diverse and highly skilled pro map and absolutely deserves its ranking. 

1) P4 [2k12 Rashowdown]

This might come as no surprise. I don't personally enjoy playing P4 all that much because it can become a stamina contest. There is no denying, however, P4's status in the 2v2 Pro scene. At one point Red Alert literally became 2 separate games. You had P4 players, and you had Path/gem map players. That's how powerful and meaningful P4 was in Red Alert. It became a game on its own. P4 even to this day remains one of the most popular maps in all of Red Alert and has been that way for 20 years. Most average pros will be seen playing P4 2v2s as the "go to" game of choice. It's true that P4 is very fair in terms of money for either side (unlimited ore), and the speed and accuracy required on P4 trumps other maps. Raw production speed is extremely important on P4. Scouting well and defending are very important skills in the early game (often engineers need to be micromanaged well). You can also choose either Soviets or Allies. In the early game, Germany can be very strong with their spam of medium tanks and can later branch out into chronospheres and heli spams. Soviet players can nader aggressively or bunker and go for a 10 cy-v2 style game. There's a massive range of options you can choose from in your style of play. While it's true you might see the top players playing T-Dawg, Spacecraft or Basement more often these days, this isn't enough to dethrone P4's status as the overruling Pro 2v2 map.

Hope you enjoyed reading. I would urge all casual players to play these maps as you will develop the skills necessary to one day compete with the "Pros"

CrushyBoo.

BART'S PODIUM EPISODE 1: CNCNET5: THE RETURN OF THE NOOB

A guest journalistic contribution submitted by the Four Letter Word of CnCNet, an individual whom many believe to be the reincarnation of Ehy.

 CnC Net 5: The Return of the Noob

   It's the beginning of your ra1 career, a journey everyone will take. Most start at the very humblest of beginnings.

Rarely do players join the CnCNet 5 server with the knowledge and experience to match the skills of a veteran pr0.

The pr0, although greatly outnumbered is not difficult to find. You may have noticed a clan tag for instance, someone with gold medal and colored font in chat.

Most will be identifiable by peacocking (visable flair). this attracts the noob. inexperienced players will admire a pr0 with these cosmetic features.

Unbeknownst to them that this distingquishable trait is more of a percieved social status then a reflection of skillset and character.

"Our community is like a wolfpack. Youngsters wanna prove themselves and become leaders by beating elders. It's OK. It must be. Youngsters must surpass elders some day. That's the way of the nature." -boke yuzgen circa 2016.

Much like in pr0 sports, often times the best players are just that. a better player then others, and nothing more.

This unfortunately doesn't translate into role model and leadership positions. And much like pr0 sports, just because someone is a better PLAYER at a videogame doesn't make them a better PERSON. Thus resulting in the current pr0 scene and the server in general.

Fanboys Beware I suggest with caution, to The noob and average player, or fellow pr0 do not appoint false idols soley based on playing abililty. The future of your gaming career and overall experience on the server are dependent on it! (think i'm kidding?!)

[9:05 PM]

Wait so noobs and average players actually matter? Of course! Actually more then you would ever realize... In this game of who's who, The numbers suggest the pr0s are vastly outnumbered by the common man.

The reason you may ask? there is no relationship with the pr0 community bridging the gap to future pr0s on the verge of making the next step in their play.

Lack of opportunity comes to mind as the pr0 scene gameroom is almost impossible to join. That's joining the room without being banned or kicked. 

If you do manage to find a seat, better not expect to play. you will be told to change your country as spectator. pr0 rooms are 2v2 teams (only 4 players playing) and usually 4 spectators.

1 room, usually full room 8/8 and played with preset teams further removing anyone;s chance at "jumping in" for a round. When "chanced" with playing in such room Ego, Expectations, and Emotion are set high.

Often even other fellow pr0 players are on a short leash. Only getting only 1 chance to prove themselves in game. Winning? its simple the Wins are expected. period, no excuses. And losses??

As the game ends, Losses will be met with partner blame as in game frustrations bleed into the main lobby for everyone to see.

Often times forgetting they were once that very same hungry player just looking for a shot, to improve their game and get a chance in the ring with the pr0s.

ironically enough dont be surprised when the very player you fanboyed for, looked up to, and supported when you were noob, later find out is the same pr0 guy pissed with you after the game...

[9:06 PM]

Is the grass greener on the other side? To the average player or noob who has a passion for the game. Learning build orders, understanding soviet and allies factions. playing in 1v1 and team games.

Players who don't want to be kicked from game rooms anymore and are stacking some wins. Gaining some reputation from peers alike. Building confidence wanting to take the next step to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Striving for greatness, improving To get your skills up to a point where you can finally play amongst some of the highest rated pr0s within the community. Just to come to find out, a small sub group of the community, who are considered the best is actually home to some of ra1s more interesting & controversial characters. This group of players consists of but not limited to: 

cheaters: (multiple offenders) some caught multiple times. some players know, some don't. (It is what it is.)

Trolls: oh ya. believe it or not some of the most toxic trolls happen to be pr0s. Weak minded pr0s who cant handle them usually tattle tale and becomes known as: a rat or snitch. (tell on other players to admins.)

Speaking of admins and admin wannabes: also are part of the pr0 community these guys have a false sense of entitlement. abusing their limited power to satisify personal needs.

Wether it be banning other pr0s for "spamming lobby" or altering the results on the ranked match system in their favor. Finally, Overrated players: players who are 1 dimensional. (SGQ tanker) 1 map wonder. (p4 2v2 only) 1 playstyle (gem builder with preset base) also players who have piggybacked off others success.

So are you getting excited yet? welcome to the big leagues, kid.

[9:07 PM]

My advice to the up n comer?! wondering what the room with the gold medal in Teal font is like. enjoy the process. some of the most fun ive had with the game is growing as a player. "(9) [05:43 PM] <xod7> 5 wins for me i'm almost medium". do not rush or skip this part. losing must be a essential part of any players game.

Taking losses is the only way to learn. the ability to learn from your mistakes as well as others is what will set you apart from your competitors. There is no better feeling then getting a few wins after all the beatdowns you've recieved. "(9) [05:16 PM] <DingFdong> Let me have my litlle victory they dont come that often".

The noobs greatly out number the pr0s. i think this is what cnc net 5 needs. a noob uprising. i declare this The Return of the Noob.

We aren't gaining new players, so for the game to continue we must take what we have and make it better. the noobs must become average. the average must rise up and become pr0. this is the way. pr0s need to give these on the verge players a chance to grow and become one of the pack.

most pr0s forgetting they were that same player looking for a chance years ago. From a tunnel vision point of view you could see cnc net 5 as being on the decline. maybe for the pr0 scene that is true. but overall for ra1. i see alot of opportunity for games of all types and styles.

are they going to be pr0? most likely not, but maybe with the help of a few players they could one day become "pr0 rooms", "(10) [11:17 AM] <[1]abc> someone make pro game pls" Whos next?

[9:07 PM]

example of game room selection random sunday:

(9) [05:10 PM] * Players in 1V1  NOT PRO: jack__ BombDiggity | Map: Rocky Mountain Goldr...

(9) [05:12 PM] * Players in NOOBS & MEDIUM: johto | Map: Rivers Wild (Mega 8 ...

(9) [05:15 PM] * Players in Gold Rush 3x3 SLIM: Lloyd Cp9 | Map: Rocky Mountain Goldr...

(9) [05:29 PM] * Players in [croboy-DP]-PRO P4: [croboy-DP] [BAT]Metz Zobbe [TKT]Ahlem |hK|STNK-PI [EV]-Ethia | Map: Official 2011 P4-Ras...

(9) [05:18 PM] * Players in [BAT]Hrvatska-ova igra: [BAT]Hrvats NastySant1 [BAT]Queza [BAT]Metz Jaquar [TKT]Ahlem [croboy-DP] MAMBOKING-W | Map: Official 2011 P4-Ras...

(9) [05:13 PM] * Players in [oP-Lordy]'s game: [oP-Lordy] [NM]leigh NastyRobska Dynamic |oP-Bea5ty| NastyNate t[A]nja | Map: T-Dawg by NN (Autoal...

(9) [05:18 PM] * Players in [NM]leigh's game: [NM]leigh t[A]nja RAM-yuzgen Dynamic ORA-Crushy NastyNate |oP-Bea5ty| | Map: Ad's Snowcut [2v2 In...

(9) [05:31 PM] * Players in crates t10: Bubblegum | Map: Crates of the Villag...

[9:07 PM]

Finally, a little poem:

Pr0 Scene; man it's not the same

Does it have to do with talent? it's about playing the game

The Pr0 Scene; real players is dying to get in

The Pr0 Scene; just to find they don't fit in

The Pr0 Scene; ain't what it used to be

The Pr0 Scene; trying to control the way you play

They want you to play like this and talk like that

But I'm gone play like this and talk with the smack

The Pr0 Scene; got y'all word meaning nothing

The Pr0 Scene; fuck what you heard cause he's bluffing

The Pr0 Scene; money, bitches, hate

But I dare you to try to take a fucking thing off my plate

The Pr0 Scene; if you ain't got a strong mind

The Pr0 Scene; will break you down its a matter of time

The Pr0 Scene; vultures with nothing to feast on

The Pr0 Scene; see me I'm getting my beast on

I'm not an industry artist, I'm an artist in the industry

That's why I do what the fuck I want, cause nobody can finish me

The Pr0 Scene; playing you like a Pr0 Scene bitch

They tried to finish me quick but I am long, so I stand strong...

To all dying to fit in, but born to stand out

[9:09 PM]

my shit is official

[9:09 PM]

i'm a fucking boss

[9:09 PM]

stop playing with me

[9:09 PM]

I AM NOT HUMAN

*MIC DROP*