A message to Funky: We miss you and thank you

 It has become apparent that FunkyFr3sh is no longer associated with Red Alert 1 for whatever reason. I truly hope for the best for him and hope he is well. Whatever differences I had with him in the past are stupid and fickle.

Ultimately, Funky was a saviour for our game the past decade. This game would have died a long time ago without him and we all owe him an enormous amount of gratitude. He worked tirelessly and for free and took a lot of shit from many players including myself which I regret.

Anyway, just wanted to thank him for everything if he ever reads this and to wish him the best. It's really appreciated by me personally and I hope everyone feels the same. His work was more important than any player and Red Alert would literally not exist anymore online if not for him.

Good luck mate and I truly hope you are well and succeed in your future endeavours.

Best wishes and enormous thank you.

Love Triangles Don't Work

Well don't say I didn't warn you. If you are familiar with one of my previous well known articles "Lordy's Lovers", you will be aware that I warned about the pitfalls of bringing a 3rd guy into the bedroom. That's exactly what Lordy did. A fatal mistake.

Lordy thought he had won himself a watch when he picked up Dynamic at the club and invited him home with he and Bea5ty. Lordy thought he would finally have his fantasy fulfilled and get to be the meat between two sandwich slices. Unfortunately for him, Dynamic and Bea5ty had other plans. Lordy was brutally kicked out of the bed and discarded like a used tampon.

Red Alert's hottest new young couple got the locks changed and Lordy's efforts to be allowed back in OP have all been ignored, despite his banging on the door and offering flowers and an olive branch. 

The result is that Lordy now feels like many of his own victims, used and abused. Traded in for a younger model. Replaced. He's now a shadow of his former self and has been seen begging such players as N8Diaz (BAT), Xxtreme (ORA) and Faust (A) for a spot in their clans. 

Unfortunately there has been no room at the inn so far. Please, if you or anyone you know have room for an English 38 year old Leather Biker type in your clan get in contact ASAP. Perhaps BRO-Lordy or [1]Lordy could become a reality. The stuff that dreams are made of.

Most of all, this experience must be new and pleasant for Faust. He's no longer getting habitually called a German cunt. Instead, he has been getting regaled with tales of how great a player he is and how he is such a nice guy. Somehow I don't think Lordy's usually irresistible flirtation and seduction techniques will work on Faust. Faust seems to be taking the position that he doesn't want to bang the chick after everyone else has had a go.

Who will be the "Knight In Shining Armour" and come to the rescue of the bear? Will RAM take sympathy and allow him into their group of B-Tier players? Will McLovin respond to the 48 unread Facebook messages telling him how RA is alive and well again and the game needs him back in TA? Perhaps his old pal Leigh will make [NM]Lordy a reality?

Whatever the case. If there's one positive for Lordy it's that he is now one of the biggest free agents in Red Alert. Many clans are most likely lining up with contract offers to sign him. After all every clan needs an enforcer. Everyone knows what you get when you sign Lordy - you're signing him for the muscle not for the brains.

Let's we as a community all wish Lordy well in his future endeavours. Remember the good times in OP and all the happy memories resting on Bea5ty's back. Let him go. There's plenty more fish in the sea. The future's bright. The future's orange.

If I could offer my own 2 cents, I would suggest that NastyLordy might be a good fit. Nate has proven with Muad that he is good at taming and training players who bark a bit too much. Nate would be a good mentor for the bear, keeping him level headed and focused. After all, Nasty by name, Nasty by nature.

What do you think? Who should rescue Lordy from the single life? Answers on a postcard.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more.

Beware of the dog!

 Red Alert 1 online is home to some weird and wonderful creatures. All forms of mental illness are represented on this haven of human excellence. It's often been said that Red Alert 1 could refute Darwin's Theory of Evolution, as you only need to spend but 5 minutes on there and you wonder how some of these beings won the sperm race and achieved natural selection all the way through to 2022. There's even an individual who identifies as an actual goose, see: Goose Lives Matter .

If you've been around long enough, you'll no doubt have seen or heard a dog barking when you play Red Alert 1 online. The Mad Dog on CnCNet is known as Muad Dib (or Maud if you are dyslexic like Leigh).

The Mad Dog first appeared around 2014 and would often bark after a frustrating loss "DjSAHFSFGHDGHDGHDGHDSGH!!! FFSSS!!! REEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Over time, the Mad Dog's behaviour became even more erratic as it would frequently just take up and leave in the middle of the game and look for a bush to shit in. Much to the dismay of its partners in 2v2.

Fortunately, in recent years, the Mad Dog got a new owner called NastyNate, who changed the dog's name to NastyMuad. Nate has generally been a good owner and has helped to keep it on a leash. It doesn't bark as much anymore. You'll occasionally see it growl and bare its teeth but Nate only needs to whistle and it usually behaves itself.

However, there are still some times when you see the Mad Dog's feral nature rear its ugly head. This is usually when its owner isn't online. 

I'm here to give some advice on how to handle the Mad Dog if you come across it in an aggressive state. My first tip would be to offer it a biscuit or a treat, this is usually all it's after. It just wants to feel a little bit of attention and love and it usually starts to behave itself again. Secondly, if it keeps barking and losing games, suggest it goes for a walk. Maybe it just needs some fresh air and to calm down and regroup. Finally, you can try giving it a pat on the nose or tickling its tummy, but beware if you get too close it might bite your Q finger off.

I'm a great believer that you should never blame the dog, you should always the blame the owner. The animal only does what it's trained to do. With this in mind, stay safe and protect yourself at all times.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more.

Lordy's Lovers

 Lordy has rightfully earned the title of the "Biggest Slut in Red Alert History". 

Since he burst onto the scene as a noob around 2015, Lordy has monkey branched his way to the top of the game by seducing and sleeping with gradually increasingly strong players.

Firstly, as a noob, he joined ORA-boy as he identified Boy as someone to learn from. Over a period of several months he trained with Boy before becoming cocky and arrogant after winning a couple of P4 rush 1v1s and started to look for a new man. See "Shiny object syndrome"  "Shiny Object Syndrome"   

The next man Lordy slept with would be At0m1 around 2017. At0m1 was known as a wise master Yoda figure who kept Lordy in the"Prison wife" position. Lordy was the ideal partner for At0m1 as it enabled him to repeatedly bully him in private Q master 1v1s (he knew he couldn't lose). This created awe and co-dependence in Lordy and he adores At0m1 to this day.

Still, At0m1 was too absent and never online. Often taking year-long breaks from the game. Naturally and quite understandably, this caused Lordy to become restless and need a new man in his life. That man would become of course , Fordy-TA around 2018. Fordy at that point was considered the best player in the world. It was only natural that Lordy would be attracted to him. He seduced Ford by frequently sending him financial donations and plaudits so that Ford would team up with him in tournaments. Hence the word "carrying" was born. Ford was able to carry Lordy on many occasions to many great victories. Lordy to this day still has feelings for Ford.

Ford however had too many mental health issues and would frequently abandon the game. This left Lordy feeling lost and confused as At0m1 would do the same thing - see Pumped and dumped . Mclovin a young maverick up and comer rising to the top of the game was the next player that Lordy was attracted to around late 2019. Over a period of time Lordy seduced and groomed the young Norwegian.  Albeit, you could always tell that Lordy was using Mclovin as a rebound and placeholder and was just waiting until At0m1 or Ford returned so he could monkey branch his way back.

Just like At0m1 and Ford before him, Mclovin too became disengaged with the game. This left Lordy feeling dazed and confused, his 3rd man in a row had left him high and dry, alone without someone to cuddle up to and carry him. Drastic times called for drastic measures and so Lordy started to seduce his mortal enemy, Bea5ty.

Lordy used to hate Bea5ty going so far as to call him an "albanian troll c*nt". He would often bully Bea5ty and abuse him for being unemployed. However, realising that all his other men had abandoned him, Lordy did a full pivot and realised that Bea5ty could make great long term relationship material. And boy what a relationship! OP was born and is going 2 years strong (the longest of any Lordy relationship). OP have achieved many great victories together and Bea5ty has been able to carry Lordy to some amazing wins. This is truly a match made in heaven.

The only problem now is that Gganbu and Dynamic have come along. Bea5ty is no longer the undisputed King of the Mountain and there are signs of him starting to get jealous that Lordy's eyes might be looking elsewhere. Are cracks beginning to show in the OP relationship? How long is it until Lordy can no longer resist the allure of Gganbu or Dynamic? Especially if Dynamic keeps improving and soon surpasses Bea5ty. He already destroys Bea5ty on all standard maps after all. It won't be long until Lordy cannot resist the urge to monkey branch up the ladder once more.

My word for advice to Dynamic would be to beware of Lordy's ambitions and his tendency to seduce, pump and dump, "ejaculate and evacuate". These are not the great foundations of a healthy romantic relationship. He will use you and abuse you until another alpha comes along.

What's next in store for this soap opera?

Which was your favourite Lordy relationship storyline?

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more!

Who is Gganbu?

It is the biggest mystery in Red Alert in years. An unidentified player arrived on the scene and annihilated everyone in 1v1. We will assess some of the clues in order to try to reveal the identity of the player. For example, his 2v2 game doesn't seem as strong as his 1v1 game suggesting a player more used to the early incarnation of the game which was dominated by 1v1 play.

In the May 2022 1v1 Ladder, Gganbu absolutely destroyed the competition. For example his last series with Akame (Bea5ty) he won 6-0 and Cowsmoo (Dynamic) 7-2. He absolutely murdered anyone and everyone who faced him in the May 2022 Ladder and proved himself to be easily the best 1v1 player in the world in 2022. Not even remotely close either as the statistics prove.

So the question is, who is he/she/they?

There have been a range of speculative theories. I'll dive into each of them.

1)Ford - This has been the most obvious suggestion. Ford supposedly retired and announced on his own blog that he had retired from Red Alert. The timing is suspicious and the playstyle of Gganbu tends to correlate well with the old Ford playstyle (extremely strong aggressive early Germany play with insane late game production).

Ford has strongly denied that he is Gganbu and has even posted a video showing himself playing against Gganbu in a one off Ribbon game . Moreover, Ford made a cameo appearance on a discord voice chat server with Leigh and others while Gganbu was playing in 2v2 which seemingly refutes the possibility of Ford being Gganbu.

Of course, Ford is a master of manipulation and it is possible he could have had a close friend login to the Gganbu name and play a few games in order to keep up the disguise so I would not rule out Ford being Gganbu completely. He is definitely one of the strongest candidates based on circumstantial evidence.

On the other hand, having faced Gganbu and Ford many games, I would honestly say that Gganbu's 1v1 play is even better than Ford's was. That could of course be down to practicing and try harding every game in order to reach his maximum level, however.

2) Milo - a strong candidate known for amazing Germany play but less good in 2v2. This fits the profile. Milo specialised in tank production with Germany and standard maps. These are aspects Gganbu excels at.

I would say however that Milo was known to be somewhat passive in his play and was subjected to getting rushed a lot. Gganbu on the other hand is hyper aggressive in his playstyle. Once again, however, this might be down to Milo putting in the practice and adjusting his game after studying his video collection of the most successful strategies. Milo was known to obsess over every detail of the game in order to optimise his strategy. If the meta game in 2022 demanded hyper aggressive light tank play then you could rely on Milo to work it out.

I would say that in my honest opinion, 1v1 Gganbu was definitely stronger than the best version of Milo I encountered so unless Milo put in some improvement then I doubt it was him.

3) Niklas - This old legend was known as one of the best players whoever lived and has many famous maps named after him such as 4c and NSC. Niklas was known to be in correspondence with people in the community as recently as 2021. Known for his exceptional Q tanking and aggressive play, it is not farfetched to opine that Gganbu could be an older version of Niklas returned after decades.

I would say that this is highly unlikely however. Niklas would be much older nowadays having played at the top of the game in the 90s. I do remember Gganbu struggled in his first couple of weeks playing once he appeared suggesting that Gganbu was someone shaking off rust. To conclude, it's highly unlikely that Niklas is Gganbu but it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

4) Lovehandles - I would be amazed if Gganbu is Lovehandles. I know LH well and he finds RA mundane and boring, I really cannot see him dedicating 12 hours per day to Red Alert like Gganbu has done recently. I'd be incredibly shocked if Lovehandles is Gganbu. Literally the only link you could make is that they are both insanely good players. Not enough for me. Pass.

5) RC1985 - This is certainly not impossible .RC was an extremely strong Germany 1v1 player with a great rush. Perhaps the motivation would be to keep a low profile while competing in order to avoid toxic dramas and conflicts with which he was associated in the past. It would not be the first time RC used a hider name (Nutrition) so it's certainly not impossible. I would say, however, that similar to Lovehandles,I can't see RC having the same drive which Gganbu is exhibiting. If I'm honest I do think Gganbu was stronger than peak RC as well but it's not impossible that RC did some secret GQ training. Very unlikely on balance.

6)Ehy - It's definitely not Ehy. Their playstyles are too different. Ehy was very pragmatic, resourceful and strategic. Gganbu plays with his foot to the pedal going extremely aggressive. Think Katsh or Yuzgen suddenly becoming a 1 dimensional SGQ Germany robot, that's how unlikely this would be. It's just not Ehy. Next.

7) At0m1 - This is actually one of the more likely possibilities. Of course At0m1 would hide if playing 1v1 given his personality type (Wizard of Oz vibes). The amazing Q and general tanking and production are attributes associated with At0m1. There is no evidence linking Gganbu and At0m1 however other than the fact that At0m1 has not been seen online for a good while. Not enough evidence to support it but we certainly cannot discount this theory.

8) Mclovin - This is also possible given their extremely high strength in 1v1 play and their ability to Q early and aggressively. McLovin was one of the nicer personalities I encountered on CnCNet however and I really couldn't see him caring enough or going to such extreme lengths to conceal his identity (unless it was a desperate measure to avoid Lordy badgering him to join OP).

9) Faust - The suggestion would be that Faust wanted another shot at 1v1 with Bea5ty and so constructed a new identity and playstyle. I do feel though that Gganbu is even more clinical and a slightly better player 1v1 than Faust so I deem it unlikely. Moreover, Faust was known for his amazing 2v2 teamwork which is probably the weakest part of Gganbu's game.

10) Someone else? Maybe he is just a new RTS player to Red Alert. Perhaps he is someone else from the past not mentioned here such as an old legend such as DeepBlue or JJ? Could Gganbu be the same player as M3mber? M3mber being the rusty version relearning the game? The M3mber player name disappeared from Ladder when Gganbu appeared. Food for thought.

Regardless, perhaps OldPr0 is trolling us all and is actually trying with his new mouse and just steamrolling everyone on Easy Street. Who knows. Maybe we will never know. It's fun to speculate however.

Who do you think it is? If I had to choose I would say it's just Ford mind-fucking us all.

Thanks for reading.