OFFICIAL RED ALERT 1 AWARDS YEAR 2023

It's that time of year again when we hand out some prizes for the best performers of the year...

All I ask is that you go out of your way to recognise the award winners! Make sure you congratulate them and remind them of their achievements!!!!

To be completely honest - it's been a very shit year for Red Alert. Lots of random crappy tournaments (fight night) instead of decent organised events (like LCS). Sometimes questionable decisions and lack of competitiveness. Regardless, there's still been some standout performers this year so let's honour them and recognise their achievements:

Clan Leader of the Year 2023

Congratulations to ORA-Lordy, the clear and obvious winner of this award. Phenomenal achievement to resurrect a dead clan after its old leader publically moved on to pastures new. Lordy turned ORA's fortunes around and put respect back on the name. It's very obvious that he was the best clan leader of 2023. Let's see what 2024 brings and hopefully we see an ORA vs TDS showdown in the not too distant future!

Freak of the Year 2023

Congratulations to Dutchy for regularly spamming the lobby with his paranoid delusions and his mental illness. A worthy winner of this award and be sure to congratulate him every time you see him in 2024 with "hello freak of the year!"

Lagger of the Year 2023

This goes to Butcher's personal spunk bucket, Fighter. Guaranteed to have a 53 FPS game when this guy is around! Congratulations!

Rookie of the Year 2023

Unfortunately, we must reveal that this award has NO WINNER for the calendar year 2023. This year has seen no new talent of note which is a very depressing trend for the future of Red Alert. No new players even managed to reach darkothedon level this year so we simply cannot award this. Hopefully 2024 sees some budding petersky or zizou calibre players!

Butler of the Year 2023

There was only one real contender for the award this year, the reigning and defending champion from 2022, Ad ! The Butler proved himself to be above everyone else as he was regularly in supply of towels for conceding when losing series 3-0. Ad whored himself around in 2023 from alpha to alpha looking for wins. In light of Ad winning the award for 2 consecutive years, I think he deserves the status and recognition of his old name (Ad) being permanently consigned to the dustbin of Red Alert history! From now on, simply refer to him as The Butler in honour of his achievements. Be sure to greet him with a "Hello Butler, how are you?" whenever you see him going forward! Congratulations!

Most Improved Player 2023

This goes to RedAlert1, he is not as shit as he was this time last year! He's gotten quite decent due to playing ladder and is now about Hank level whereas last year he was Tocaia level. Congratulations on your award!

Streamer of the Year 2023

Yuzgen. Duh. 15 Hour streams as an elderly Turkish man. This legend literally sacrifices his entire sex life for the good of Red Alert! He's literally got a rota system with the postman and the milkman to  attend to the Mrs while he gets on the HJK6! Yuzgen deserves his name engraved on the Milo jockstrap and the At0m1 zippo in honour of his achievements at this point! A true legend and jizz puppet of the game!

Disappointment of the Year 2023

This goes to Jacob! Congratulations! His game has gone backwards after a promising 2022. Highlights include losing 8-0 to Dynamic in 32 minutes, and getting pumped 4-0 by a rusty me on ladder. Jacob is definitely not as good as I thought he was going to be and it's rather disappointing. He's kind of like a top pick in the NFL draft who doesn't quite make it in the pro game! I wonder if he can turn it around in 2024! Perhaps leaving bart's coaching behind was a bad move for this former talent!

Lifetime Achievement Award 2023

This goes to the Big Aussie Stripclub Bouncer, Kickn. He has been a dedicated part of the community for decades now and has become like Rayman level 3 for all new players. He's even been able to improve his game in the last couple of years after taking some coaching tips from OldPr0. Congratulations to Kickn who deserves his place in the Red Alert Hall of Fame!

Player of the Year 2023

Finally we get to the Big Daddy Award for 2023. This goes to Gganbu , he proved he is the undisputed best player in the world by demolishing formidable opponent and runner-up for this award, Dynamic, in their last series, by a scoreline of 15-4! He is also probably the best 2v2 player. This was a universal decision and all 5 players I asked voted for Gganbu. The clear unanimous winner! Congratulations!

Thanks for reading! Sorry if you are disheartened not to receive an award! Better luck next year!

Mr Boo.

Mr Anonymous returns with some very important topics to discuss!

 I've been called down from headquarters (which I'm not too happy about) by Mr Anonymous. I know shit is out of control when am having to come down and help sort out the mess. 

So kids: behave.

Get a fucking grip. The ogre needs to stop going about being racist and drunk to admins. Diaz get a grip and don't ban him for 6 months again. He slipped up and he knows he did.  A wee kiss and hug and make up will be enough punishment. Don't lie Diaz ya pure love getting on the mushies and watching a 12 hour stream of Yuzgen vs Lordy. You don't want to lose that. I agree he needs punished though so here's what I suggest: 1 week mute.  1 week muzzle for the Ogre. 6 month ban for that is too much and you know it. Mr Boo has spoken. And when Mr Boo speaks things they get spoken into existence. So get that 1 week muzzle on, get a wee apology from Lordy for being a naughty pup, and be done with it. Let's not make mountains out of molehills. He's generally been on good behaviour since he was uncaged that has to count for something. A wee hiccup this was, that's all.

As for bigD the historical prolific cheater (reference Gganbu's blog) and his consistent racism: I propose a similar punishment. Enforce his name to be changed on CnCNet lobby to "Number2" (behind GGanbu) for a month period to give him some humility and remind him of the beating Gganbu put on him the last time they locked horns.

Also Mr Anonymous has told me he would like to call out big NastyNate. "Nate can ya please get ya ass off of bigD's dildo. It's embarrassing. Av never seen Nate suck anyone off so much it reminds me of when RC1985 used to put posters of Ehy on his noodle bar wall. It's honestly sickening to see how much he loves having the big titted German on his clan, makes me want to puke".

Mr Anonymous would also like me to not even have a public vote for the BOTY title this year. He believes that through constant toweling and general butlering behaviour, the reigning champion, Ad, has the title more than sewn up for consecutive years.

This is my 2 cents. Do what has to be done, and Diaz, remember:

MR BOO HAS SPOKEN

Why the "peak elo" data is intrinsically flawed, inaccurate and false

Peak elo is determined by your score against a pool of players. Average elo is a better indicator of strength.

Players such as Robskate (especially), Croboys, Lordy and Yuzgen achieved their peak elos in 2017-2018 when the ladder was relatively new and the big guns still hadn't started playing yet. This is fact. If you take their peak elo from 2020 (pandemic era) onwards, I imagine you would find they would rank outside the top 20. 

The data is also false. Yuzgen has used 2 accounts on different computers (Ram-yuzgen) and (Ram-yuzgen_). If you combine both accounts I am certain he has played more than 15,000 games. He has played by far the most amount of games of anyone and this can be verified by fact by going through each month and adding up his total amount of games played. For example, I didn't start playing ladder until April 2020 during the Pandemic, Yuzgen had already been playing for 3 years before that.

There's also some obvious data input flaws as well. For example it says Maddux only played around 400 games in Diaz's list. If you look at April 2020 month, he played 500+ games alone (username: Rocket). Therefore the data is clearly not accurate.

Numerous fatal flaws with the data presented and I don't give this ranking any validity. Stand out example: Faust is far too low. Players like myself and Faust have always played in months where heavyweight ranked players have played (Ford, Dynamic, Beast for example), therefore there is probably a ceiling to the elo we could achieve without improving our play. Faust would obviously rank inside the top 7 at minimum, and probably top 5 overall. Robskate achieved a peak elo playing against noobs on standard maps back in 2017 in contrast. Not a single player on CnCNet would argue robskate is a better player than Faust, so this disproves the whole list right away.

On the whole, the data is meaningless. Go back to the drawing board Diaz and number crunch more accurately if it interests you. Also average elo would be a better indicator of strength if you're able to provide that (but only if you make sure all games are accounted for (eg Yuz's missing 5000+ games).

Players like Leigh with also such a small sample size of games shouldn't really count.  Elo doesn't really mean anything until there's enough data size.

Also, where is Mclovin on the list ???? Clearly a data input flaw and August 2020 is missing (the month Mclovin won), and probably the month I myself achieved my peak elo in 2nd place and destroyed the rest of the competition.

Regards

A wee bit of legal hot water between 2 parties in the community at the moment

 I am here to address the ongoing legal issues between 2 seismic members of the CnCNet Red Alert 1 community. As a responsible journalist I am not able to comment explicitly on an ongoing legal case and I need to remain impartial. I am unable to name the 2 parties involved. All I can say is that it may or may not involve a gentleman who loves a micro pizza, and another gentleman who has previously overdosed on salami. As to the nature of the legal troubles? I can neither confirm nor deny the rumours that it may or may not involve ownership of a prized asset within the Red Alert 1 stratosphere. What I can say is that there is 1 premier method of solving disputes which far outweighs lawyers or admins... that being Trial by Fucking Combat mother fuckers! Which in Red Alert 1 terms you know what that means??? 

Best of Fucking 9! For reference: Urban Dictionary: Bo9

So to Big Lips and The Ogre: let the Q do the talking. Stop the bullshit.

In other news, Mr Anonymous reports that he's keeping a close eye on bigD. bigD's been getting awfully big for his boots from the laptop on the Turkish beach and Mr Anonymous is not a happy bunny about it. He/She/They say that they are going to be watching bigD very closely to make sure he behaves himself. Otherwise he's going to have to step in and get involved.

For more on the ongoing legal case you will need to visit the slums of the Red Alert community (the discord groups). I must remain  tight lipped and not comment one way or the other on the rights and wrongs of the case. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Thanks for reading.

Crush Grisham

3rd Division Title Action (6th October 2023)

 There's been lots of action in the 3rd division of Red Alert this past week. The reigning and defending Butler of the Year (BOTY2022), Ad stepped up and challenged the recently unbanned ogre, Lordy, to a series of "Fight Night" matches. Ad finally had the courage after he won a couple path beyond ladder games in the last year against Yuz to step into the ring. The result? He got absolutely pumped. Make no mistake about it: this was an absolute fisting. The beating Lordy gave Ad in these games was so bad that we have no choice but to demote Ad to Division 4. Darko and Dutchy are lining up and reckon they can take Ad now, so hopefully  I will be able to bring you a report on the Divison 4 title next week. 

Lordy was so high in light of his results against Ad that he challenged the Turkish Rambo to a series of games. Yuzgen duly obliged in pumping Lordy and ensuring he too remains at Division 3.

Speaking of Yuzgen? Does anyone have some ointment left for his arse hole? It must be sore after Dynamic 75-0d him to take the Ladder title in September. Unfortunately, this has now given Dynamic an ego boost and he is going about saying the game is too easy and he's manhandled everyone. I'd like to just remind him that he is not the top banana around here. The last time he faced the number 1 player in the world, Gganbu, the elusive Canadian showed him what a real manhandling is. In case anyone's forgotten, this is the last series of matches between Dynamic and Gganbu:

Look I don't like to rock the boat. You know me, I only like to relay the facts and give accurate journalism. All I can do is say what I see. And what I see is that Gganbu pumped Dynamic in their last encounter and he doesn't feel Dyna has improved enough or has shown enough humility to merit a rematch. Therefore, enjoy being number 2, BigD 😂.

On a positive note for BigD, there's no shame in being 2nd best. Especially since it has now made you the prized jewel in NastyNate's collection. My anonymous insider (Mr Anonymous) informs me that Muad Dib is now a jealous little shit now that you've taken his spot. Maud's been kicked out the bed and is no longer wanted. He's like a little lost lamb. I hope you feel good about yourself knowing you ruined a 10 year happy relationship ya big German sausage.

Mr Anonymous also asks why Dynamic and Ad are sitting all day commenting on Yuz's twitch stream when they're supposed to be away a family holiday???

Thanks for reading! Hasta la vista,

Crushybaby