End of Year Awards 2022 - Nominations now open

Pleased to announce that the draft of Awards for Red Alert 1, Year 2022, are now open. Vice President of Player Relations, bart, will be collecting your nominations. Unfortunately, my time schedule is such that I simply don't have enough time to enter into direct communications with B-tier or lower players at the moment. Direct communication with me is through a 3rd party only. You should communicate via bart in the first instance. A-tier players can message me through the normal channels and I'll try to reply when I'm back from my mountain climb, navy seal fitness contest or my deadlifting.

Anyway, below is a a run-down of the various awards and criteria. We'll start with the most prestigious award first:

Butler of the Year

Budo has graciously surrendered the most prestigious award of "Butler of the Year" as he would like to see another player benefit from its prestige in 2022.

ORA-Crushy: Can you say a few lines about what the title of Butler of the Year meant to you?

Budo: The experience has been life changing. It was euphoric to receive such a recognition. It was an honour to win this award and made all the years of laundry changing and piano polishing worth it. I really am so grateful for the prestige and opportunities that have come with this accolade. I've now moved into a consultant role - I train the next generation of aspiring Butlers. Therefore, it's only right that I could not in good faith retain the award for this year - there are many deserving of its grandeur. I can't wait to see who takes the title for 2022 and best wishes to all candidates! May the best gin pourer win!

Have any Butlers stood out to you this year? Any particularly clean plates and dishes? The air freshener particularly refreshing after a sweaty t-dawg 2v2? Get your nomination and reasons into bart asap.

Lifetime achievement award

Yuzgen took home the title for 2021 after dedicating his sphincter muscle to 20+ years of defeats. Yuzgen single handedly turned many aspiring pros into men over 10s of 1000s of games, many of which were live streamed for our viewing pleasure.

Has any player achieved a remarkable feat in 2022? Who has gone the extra mile to cement their name into Red Alert history? Get your votes into the 4-letter-word, official Rank 5 player on CnCNet, bart.

Rookie of the Year

Dynamic took this title in 2021 after dumping the shitty low-IQ Remastered version of the game and starting to play proper RA. Have any bat-metz or nastyahlem type players made an impression on you this year? Anyone rising through the ranks at a rapid rate? Get your votes into the offical rank 1 American player.

Streamer of the Year

Any player had particularly good commentary? A particularly robust set of sweaty man-boobs? Noobish Q? Losing won games? Who has been the most entertaining streamer this year? Let the 4 lettered God know ASAP.

Player of the Year

The least important award. Who actually gives a shit who wins at this 30 year old game. Regardless, we'll give it out anyway out of tradition. blah blah blah.

Bonus Awards

Stay tuned for some surprise bonus awards recognising dedication to the game.

Get your nominations in!

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

 For readers of a less advanced English functionality, the article title is loosely translated as "beware of the psycho chick when she gets dumped". 

In this context, Lordy's split up from OP has seemed to unleash a monster. The "bear" is now playing at a higher level than he ever has. Maybe this break up is what he needed.

Anyway, the bear did not stay single for very long. It was only around a month before Rushy was seduced into becoming Lordy's new man. It was commented that Lordy must have amazing BJ skills because it can't be the looks or brains that Rushy was seduced by. Regardless, for those wondering what the new clan "Xi" represents - XI is Roman numerals for the number 11. So it's pretty simple, Xi clan means this is Lordy's 11th clan. 11 clans is not actually the record holder - the record belongs to cousin/nasty/op/[1]/NM/[bat]/[wp] Ad who seems to join a new clan more often than he changes his underwear.

Xi clan have already made a historic mark on Red Alert and become a powerhouse. Players are getting called cunts and challenged to bo11s left, right and centre. This all culminated in a match being set - Robskate and Beast's new man (Dynamic) vs XI-Lordy and XI-Rushy.

You can watch the match courtesy of the big aussie strip club bouncer, K1ckn here: 

Kicknass Twitch (Xi vs SGQ nubs)    (Match starts at 5hours10mins).

***Spoiler Alert***

What we discovered in this series is that Robskate is not only "no depot 25 years", but also "no chrono 25 years". In game 1, left side visually had a 99.8% chance to win the game as seen in the below image. Literally UFF-Tocaia or sp0ckab would have helped Dynamic convert this position into a W with ease. However due to the fact that Robskate literally has zero long game skills (no chrono 25 years), the bear was able to heli his ass and give Xi a 1-0 lead in the series. This would set the tone for the rest of the match.

(Lordy basically dead on right side, BAT-Metz Germany for left side would have been able to convert this into a win).

The match went back and forth but the story was that the bear became the ogre and was on fire. You could tell he was letting out all the heartbreak and pent out aggression on his ex's new man. They were proper getting it. The ogre wanted and needed this win to restore some pride and he pumped them on many maps with Rushy doing his trademark tesla-antiSGQ  cockblocks.

The result was that Lordy and Rushy were an unstoppable force and pumped these lads 6-4. Many are now beginning to question whether Bea5ty made the right choice in choosing Dynamic over Lordy after all??? The general chat was that Bea5ty would have been able to carry Rob but Dynamic couldn't, perhaps Bea5ty has broader shoulders after all and has better chemistry with Lordy?

The saga continues.

Well done to 11 clan on this famous victory against Bea5ty's new man and NoChrono25years.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more.

A message to Funky: We miss you and thank you

 It has become apparent that FunkyFr3sh is no longer associated with Red Alert 1 for whatever reason. I truly hope for the best for him and hope he is well. Whatever differences I had with him in the past are stupid and fickle.

Ultimately, Funky was a saviour for our game the past decade. This game would have died a long time ago without him and we all owe him an enormous amount of gratitude. He worked tirelessly and for free and took a lot of shit from many players including myself which I regret.

Anyway, just wanted to thank him for everything if he ever reads this and to wish him the best. It's really appreciated by me personally and I hope everyone feels the same. His work was more important than any player and Red Alert would literally not exist anymore online if not for him.

Good luck mate and I truly hope you are well and succeed in your future endeavours.

Best wishes and enormous thank you.

Love Triangles Don't Work

Well don't say I didn't warn you. If you are familiar with one of my previous well known articles "Lordy's Lovers", you will be aware that I warned about the pitfalls of bringing a 3rd guy into the bedroom. That's exactly what Lordy did. A fatal mistake.

Lordy thought he had won himself a watch when he picked up Dynamic at the club and invited him home with he and Bea5ty. Lordy thought he would finally have his fantasy fulfilled and get to be the meat between two sandwich slices. Unfortunately for him, Dynamic and Bea5ty had other plans. Lordy was brutally kicked out of the bed and discarded like a used tampon.

Red Alert's hottest new young couple got the locks changed and Lordy's efforts to be allowed back in OP have all been ignored, despite his banging on the door and offering flowers and an olive branch. 

The result is that Lordy now feels like many of his own victims, used and abused. Traded in for a younger model. Replaced. He's now a shadow of his former self and has been seen begging such players as N8Diaz (BAT), Xxtreme (ORA) and Faust (A) for a spot in their clans. 

Unfortunately there has been no room at the inn so far. Please, if you or anyone you know have room for an English 38 year old Leather Biker type in your clan get in contact ASAP. Perhaps BRO-Lordy or [1]Lordy could become a reality. The stuff that dreams are made of.

Most of all, this experience must be new and pleasant for Faust. He's no longer getting habitually called a German cunt. Instead, he has been getting regaled with tales of how great a player he is and how he is such a nice guy. Somehow I don't think Lordy's usually irresistible flirtation and seduction techniques will work on Faust. Faust seems to be taking the position that he doesn't want to bang the chick after everyone else has had a go.

Who will be the "Knight In Shining Armour" and come to the rescue of the bear? Will RAM take sympathy and allow him into their group of B-Tier players? Will McLovin respond to the 48 unread Facebook messages telling him how RA is alive and well again and the game needs him back in TA? Perhaps his old pal Leigh will make [NM]Lordy a reality?

Whatever the case. If there's one positive for Lordy it's that he is now one of the biggest free agents in Red Alert. Many clans are most likely lining up with contract offers to sign him. After all every clan needs an enforcer. Everyone knows what you get when you sign Lordy - you're signing him for the muscle not for the brains.

Let's we as a community all wish Lordy well in his future endeavours. Remember the good times in OP and all the happy memories resting on Bea5ty's back. Let him go. There's plenty more fish in the sea. The future's bright. The future's orange.

If I could offer my own 2 cents, I would suggest that NastyLordy might be a good fit. Nate has proven with Muad that he is good at taming and training players who bark a bit too much. Nate would be a good mentor for the bear, keeping him level headed and focused. After all, Nasty by name, Nasty by nature.

What do you think? Who should rescue Lordy from the single life? Answers on a postcard.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more.

Beware of the dog!

 Red Alert 1 online is home to some weird and wonderful creatures. All forms of mental illness are represented on this haven of human excellence. It's often been said that Red Alert 1 could refute Darwin's Theory of Evolution, as you only need to spend but 5 minutes on there and you wonder how some of these beings won the sperm race and achieved natural selection all the way through to 2022. There's even an individual who identifies as an actual goose, see: Goose Lives Matter .

If you've been around long enough, you'll no doubt have seen or heard a dog barking when you play Red Alert 1 online. The Mad Dog on CnCNet is known as Muad Dib (or Maud if you are dyslexic like Leigh).

The Mad Dog first appeared around 2014 and would often bark after a frustrating loss "DjSAHFSFGHDGHDGHDGHDSGH!!! FFSSS!!! REEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Over time, the Mad Dog's behaviour became even more erratic as it would frequently just take up and leave in the middle of the game and look for a bush to shit in. Much to the dismay of its partners in 2v2.

Fortunately, in recent years, the Mad Dog got a new owner called NastyNate, who changed the dog's name to NastyMuad. Nate has generally been a good owner and has helped to keep it on a leash. It doesn't bark as much anymore. You'll occasionally see it growl and bare its teeth but Nate only needs to whistle and it usually behaves itself.

However, there are still some times when you see the Mad Dog's feral nature rear its ugly head. This is usually when its owner isn't online. 

I'm here to give some advice on how to handle the Mad Dog if you come across it in an aggressive state. My first tip would be to offer it a biscuit or a treat, this is usually all it's after. It just wants to feel a little bit of attention and love and it usually starts to behave itself again. Secondly, if it keeps barking and losing games, suggest it goes for a walk. Maybe it just needs some fresh air and to calm down and regroup. Finally, you can try giving it a pat on the nose or tickling its tummy, but beware if you get too close it might bite your Q finger off.

I'm a great believer that you should never blame the dog, you should always the blame the owner. The animal only does what it's trained to do. With this in mind, stay safe and protect yourself at all times.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more.