Special Christmas Card for Bea5ty

 Dear BeastyBoo,

What happened to ya ? Ya used to be an alpha male specimen on cncnet. Now you have officially become bigD's jizz rag. I am disappointed in ya. I want to see that hunger and fight and passion that made ya the top banana in the past. In 2024 I want to see you stop messing around, get serious and get ya spot back. We all see and know you are playing nothing like ya oldself and it is disappointing to see. We all want to see ya at the top of ya game. Dynamic's win against ya in Diaz's shrooms gauntlet has an asterisk against it because we all could see ya played Dutchy level and not like your true self. 

Best wishes for 2024 and hopefully this will give you the drive you need to get back to the top of the tree. While Dynamic might be very gifted mechanically and robotically we all know you have more raw talent. So stop the csgo and the simping over e-girls on Twitch and take ya crown back 👑"

Thank you to Mr Anonymous for informing me of a 6-1 tournament win for Dynamic over Beastaia."

Santa Crush has spoken 🎅 

Crushy Christmas Card List 2023

 Well it's time to find out who has been naughty or nice this year. Who is getting their dream present and who is getting a lump of coal. Here's a few Christmas cards from Uncle Crush:

"Dear Lordy

Ya have been a very bad boy this year. Need to wash that mouth out with soap. You are your own worst enemy and cause hurt and destruction to those around you. I wish you the best and maybe the RA prison could be the best thing to ever happen to you. In 2024 you should seek professional help to defeat your issues and demons once and for all. Get help for alcoholism and gambling. Hit the gym hardcore (maybe try hiring a personal trainer, seriously). Try reading the Bible and going to church. 2024 can be alot better year than 2023 but it is all down to you and your mindset"

"Dear Gganbu

Thank you for gracing us with your amazing play this year. Undoubtedly the highest level of RA play seen on CnCNet since Ehy. The way you manhandled an incredibly strong player Dynamic 15-4 on Ladder that month was incredible and you have cemented your legacy as one of the greats of the game. Congratulations on proving your undisputed status as the best player in the world 2023"

"Dear Mr Anonymous

Thank you for being my eyes on the inside. Regular feedback. Sorting out the men from the boys, calling a spade a spade. In 2024 I want to see more BOs set up to fill the very large vacant hole left by Lordy's absence"

"Dear Yuz

Ya are one jammy cunt I am rusty and not able to play 120 hours a week like you anymore. I pump ya silly most of the time."

"Dear rest of CnCNet players (except laggers, butlers and nonces)

Have a wonderful festive period spent with family and friends. Become wise like I have in my old age and realise there's more important things than video games. Put down the keyboard and enjoy yaself. Spread love not hate where possible and I wish you every success in 2024"

Sorry bigD and Maud ya not on the Christmas card list this year.

Great Uncle Crush

The Official Red Alert Power Rankings

One of the questions I am asked the most often by casual readers of this blog is "who are the best players in the world?" I'll answer that question and provide an answer to what is universally considered the top 5 in order in both formats of the game at present. 2v2 and 1v1 play kind of differently.

Also I'd like to give a big point and laugh at all other failed bloggers. Many noobs have tried and failed to blog but they give up after a month or 3-4 articles. I'm the only one with any talent at writing and know how to keep you all coming back, hanging on my every word. Special shout-out to the Chilean and Kosovan RA community, my blog has over 1000 unique page views from these countries since its inception, in the demographics section (can provide screenshots if needed) . I never realised my journalism was so damn popular in obscure countries like Chile and Kosovo. Can anyone answer why???

Just for reference, most views come from the USA, with UK 2nd and Germany 3rd. 

Anyway, without further ado, here's the Official current top 5 Power Rankings dated 11th December 2023.

1v1

1. Gganbu

2. Dynamic

3. Bea5ty

4. Hezb

5. Jacob

2v2

1. Gganbu

2. Bea5ty

3. Dynamic

4. Rushy

5. Hezb

Thanks for reading. Keep reading and I'll keep flexing. 

Crush Caesar.

PS Can Maud stop posting gym pics on creepy RA loser discords. Everyone knows the old adage "the bigger the biceps = the smaller the penis". You're fooling no-one buddy. 

OFFICIAL RED ALERT 1 AWARDS YEAR 2023

It's that time of year again when we hand out some prizes for the best performers of the year...

All I ask is that you go out of your way to recognise the award winners! Make sure you congratulate them and remind them of their achievements!!!!

To be completely honest - it's been a very shit year for Red Alert. Lots of random crappy tournaments (fight night) instead of decent organised events (like LCS). Sometimes questionable decisions and lack of competitiveness. Regardless, there's still been some standout performers this year so let's honour them and recognise their achievements:

Clan Leader of the Year 2023

Congratulations to ORA-Lordy, the clear and obvious winner of this award. Phenomenal achievement to resurrect a dead clan after its old leader publically moved on to pastures new. Lordy turned ORA's fortunes around and put respect back on the name. It's very obvious that he was the best clan leader of 2023. Let's see what 2024 brings and hopefully we see an ORA vs TDS showdown in the not too distant future!

Freak of the Year 2023

Congratulations to Dutchy for regularly spamming the lobby with his paranoid delusions and his mental illness. A worthy winner of this award and be sure to congratulate him every time you see him in 2024 with "hello freak of the year!"

Lagger of the Year 2023

This goes to Butcher's personal spunk bucket, Fighter. Guaranteed to have a 53 FPS game when this guy is around! Congratulations!

Rookie of the Year 2023

Unfortunately, we must reveal that this award has NO WINNER for the calendar year 2023. This year has seen no new talent of note which is a very depressing trend for the future of Red Alert. No new players even managed to reach darkothedon level this year so we simply cannot award this. Hopefully 2024 sees some budding petersky or zizou calibre players!

Butler of the Year 2023

There was only one real contender for the award this year, the reigning and defending champion from 2022, Ad ! The Butler proved himself to be above everyone else as he was regularly in supply of towels for conceding when losing series 3-0. Ad whored himself around in 2023 from alpha to alpha looking for wins. In light of Ad winning the award for 2 consecutive years, I think he deserves the status and recognition of his old name (Ad) being permanently consigned to the dustbin of Red Alert history! From now on, simply refer to him as The Butler in honour of his achievements. Be sure to greet him with a "Hello Butler, how are you?" whenever you see him going forward! Congratulations!

Most Improved Player 2023

This goes to RedAlert1, he is not as shit as he was this time last year! He's gotten quite decent due to playing ladder and is now about Hank level whereas last year he was Tocaia level. Congratulations on your award!

Streamer of the Year 2023

Yuzgen. Duh. 15 Hour streams as an elderly Turkish man. This legend literally sacrifices his entire sex life for the good of Red Alert! He's literally got a rota system with the postman and the milkman to  attend to the Mrs while he gets on the HJK6! Yuzgen deserves his name engraved on the Milo jockstrap and the At0m1 zippo in honour of his achievements at this point! A true legend and jizz puppet of the game!

Disappointment of the Year 2023

This goes to Jacob! Congratulations! His game has gone backwards after a promising 2022. Highlights include losing 8-0 to Dynamic in 32 minutes, and getting pumped 4-0 by a rusty me on ladder. Jacob is definitely not as good as I thought he was going to be and it's rather disappointing. He's kind of like a top pick in the NFL draft who doesn't quite make it in the pro game! I wonder if he can turn it around in 2024! Perhaps leaving bart's coaching behind was a bad move for this former talent!

Lifetime Achievement Award 2023

This goes to the Big Aussie Stripclub Bouncer, Kickn. He has been a dedicated part of the community for decades now and has become like Rayman level 3 for all new players. He's even been able to improve his game in the last couple of years after taking some coaching tips from OldPr0. Congratulations to Kickn who deserves his place in the Red Alert Hall of Fame!

Player of the Year 2023

Finally we get to the Big Daddy Award for 2023. This goes to Gganbu , he proved he is the undisputed best player in the world by demolishing formidable opponent and runner-up for this award, Dynamic, in their last series, by a scoreline of 15-4! He is also probably the best 2v2 player. This was a universal decision and all 5 players I asked voted for Gganbu. The clear unanimous winner! Congratulations!

Thanks for reading! Sorry if you are disheartened not to receive an award! Better luck next year!

Mr Boo.

Mr Anonymous returns with some very important topics to discuss!

 I've been called down from headquarters (which I'm not too happy about) by Mr Anonymous. I know shit is out of control when am having to come down and help sort out the mess. 

So kids: behave.

Get a fucking grip. The ogre needs to stop going about being racist and drunk to admins. Diaz get a grip and don't ban him for 6 months again. He slipped up and he knows he did.  A wee kiss and hug and make up will be enough punishment. Don't lie Diaz ya pure love getting on the mushies and watching a 12 hour stream of Yuzgen vs Lordy. You don't want to lose that. I agree he needs punished though so here's what I suggest: 1 week mute.  1 week muzzle for the Ogre. 6 month ban for that is too much and you know it. Mr Boo has spoken. And when Mr Boo speaks things they get spoken into existence. So get that 1 week muzzle on, get a wee apology from Lordy for being a naughty pup, and be done with it. Let's not make mountains out of molehills. He's generally been on good behaviour since he was uncaged that has to count for something. A wee hiccup this was, that's all.

As for bigD the historical prolific cheater (reference Gganbu's blog) and his consistent racism: I propose a similar punishment. Enforce his name to be changed on CnCNet lobby to "Number2" (behind GGanbu) for a month period to give him some humility and remind him of the beating Gganbu put on him the last time they locked horns.

Also Mr Anonymous has told me he would like to call out big NastyNate. "Nate can ya please get ya ass off of bigD's dildo. It's embarrassing. Av never seen Nate suck anyone off so much it reminds me of when RC1985 used to put posters of Ehy on his noodle bar wall. It's honestly sickening to see how much he loves having the big titted German on his clan, makes me want to puke".

Mr Anonymous would also like me to not even have a public vote for the BOTY title this year. He believes that through constant toweling and general butlering behaviour, the reigning champion, Ad, has the title more than sewn up for consecutive years.

This is my 2 cents. Do what has to be done, and Diaz, remember:

MR BOO HAS SPOKEN

Why the "peak elo" data is intrinsically flawed, inaccurate and false

Peak elo is determined by your score against a pool of players. Average elo is a better indicator of strength.

Players such as Robskate (especially), Croboys, Lordy and Yuzgen achieved their peak elos in 2017-2018 when the ladder was relatively new and the big guns still hadn't started playing yet. This is fact. If you take their peak elo from 2020 (pandemic era) onwards, I imagine you would find they would rank outside the top 20. 

The data is also false. Yuzgen has used 2 accounts on different computers (Ram-yuzgen) and (Ram-yuzgen_). If you combine both accounts I am certain he has played more than 15,000 games. He has played by far the most amount of games of anyone and this can be verified by fact by going through each month and adding up his total amount of games played. For example, I didn't start playing ladder until April 2020 during the Pandemic, Yuzgen had already been playing for 3 years before that.

There's also some obvious data input flaws as well. For example it says Maddux only played around 400 games in Diaz's list. If you look at April 2020 month, he played 500+ games alone (username: Rocket). Therefore the data is clearly not accurate.

Numerous fatal flaws with the data presented and I don't give this ranking any validity. Stand out example: Faust is far too low. Players like myself and Faust have always played in months where heavyweight ranked players have played (Ford, Dynamic, Beast for example), therefore there is probably a ceiling to the elo we could achieve without improving our play. Faust would obviously rank inside the top 7 at minimum, and probably top 5 overall. Robskate achieved a peak elo playing against noobs on standard maps back in 2017 in contrast. Not a single player on CnCNet would argue robskate is a better player than Faust, so this disproves the whole list right away.

On the whole, the data is meaningless. Go back to the drawing board Diaz and number crunch more accurately if it interests you. Also average elo would be a better indicator of strength if you're able to provide that (but only if you make sure all games are accounted for (eg Yuz's missing 5000+ games).

Players like Leigh with also such a small sample size of games shouldn't really count.  Elo doesn't really mean anything until there's enough data size.

Also, where is Mclovin on the list ???? Clearly a data input flaw and August 2020 is missing (the month Mclovin won), and probably the month I myself achieved my peak elo in 2nd place and destroyed the rest of the competition.

Regards

A wee bit of legal hot water between 2 parties in the community at the moment

 I am here to address the ongoing legal issues between 2 seismic members of the CnCNet Red Alert 1 community. As a responsible journalist I am not able to comment explicitly on an ongoing legal case and I need to remain impartial. I am unable to name the 2 parties involved. All I can say is that it may or may not involve a gentleman who loves a micro pizza, and another gentleman who has previously overdosed on salami. As to the nature of the legal troubles? I can neither confirm nor deny the rumours that it may or may not involve ownership of a prized asset within the Red Alert 1 stratosphere. What I can say is that there is 1 premier method of solving disputes which far outweighs lawyers or admins... that being Trial by Fucking Combat mother fuckers! Which in Red Alert 1 terms you know what that means??? 

Best of Fucking 9! For reference: Urban Dictionary: Bo9

So to Big Lips and The Ogre: let the Q do the talking. Stop the bullshit.

In other news, Mr Anonymous reports that he's keeping a close eye on bigD. bigD's been getting awfully big for his boots from the laptop on the Turkish beach and Mr Anonymous is not a happy bunny about it. He/She/They say that they are going to be watching bigD very closely to make sure he behaves himself. Otherwise he's going to have to step in and get involved.

For more on the ongoing legal case you will need to visit the slums of the Red Alert community (the discord groups). I must remain  tight lipped and not comment one way or the other on the rights and wrongs of the case. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Thanks for reading.

Crush Grisham

3rd Division Title Action (6th October 2023)

 There's been lots of action in the 3rd division of Red Alert this past week. The reigning and defending Butler of the Year (BOTY2022), Ad stepped up and challenged the recently unbanned ogre, Lordy, to a series of "Fight Night" matches. Ad finally had the courage after he won a couple path beyond ladder games in the last year against Yuz to step into the ring. The result? He got absolutely pumped. Make no mistake about it: this was an absolute fisting. The beating Lordy gave Ad in these games was so bad that we have no choice but to demote Ad to Division 4. Darko and Dutchy are lining up and reckon they can take Ad now, so hopefully  I will be able to bring you a report on the Divison 4 title next week. 

Lordy was so high in light of his results against Ad that he challenged the Turkish Rambo to a series of games. Yuzgen duly obliged in pumping Lordy and ensuring he too remains at Division 3.

Speaking of Yuzgen? Does anyone have some ointment left for his arse hole? It must be sore after Dynamic 75-0d him to take the Ladder title in September. Unfortunately, this has now given Dynamic an ego boost and he is going about saying the game is too easy and he's manhandled everyone. I'd like to just remind him that he is not the top banana around here. The last time he faced the number 1 player in the world, Gganbu, the elusive Canadian showed him what a real manhandling is. In case anyone's forgotten, this is the last series of matches between Dynamic and Gganbu:

Look I don't like to rock the boat. You know me, I only like to relay the facts and give accurate journalism. All I can do is say what I see. And what I see is that Gganbu pumped Dynamic in their last encounter and he doesn't feel Dyna has improved enough or has shown enough humility to merit a rematch. Therefore, enjoy being number 2, BigD 😂.

On a positive note for BigD, there's no shame in being 2nd best. Especially since it has now made you the prized jewel in NastyNate's collection. My anonymous insider (Mr Anonymous) informs me that Muad Dib is now a jealous little shit now that you've taken his spot. Maud's been kicked out the bed and is no longer wanted. He's like a little lost lamb. I hope you feel good about yourself knowing you ruined a 10 year happy relationship ya big German sausage.

Mr Anonymous also asks why Dynamic and Ad are sitting all day commenting on Yuz's twitch stream when they're supposed to be away a family holiday???

Thanks for reading! Hasta la vista,

Crushybaby

Opposites Attract!

Well you have all no doubt heard the news by now and it had been teased for months... everyone had seen the sexual tension going on between them... In particular they've been sharing lots of private gossips and chats. A secret informer managed to catch a glimpse of a private message NastyNate sent to his new poodle and Nastyclan lieutenant, NastyDynamic:

In light of this RushyBoo has started branding Nate "2Face". So feel free to use this name to distinugish between NastyNate and NateDiaz going forward. On a serious note... at least Nate knows he can trust Dynamic with all his heart and Dyna won't go around sharing private conversations 😅😅😅!?

I interviewed Dynamic about his joining Nasty... he claims to idolise Nate's play and also that Nate now gives him private 1v1 games. An honour no one else has been privy to in recent years.

The big elephant in the room question is: where does this lead NastyMuad? Rumours have it that Maud's been sent outside to find a new home. TDS clan were sounded out but said there's no room at the inn for our Maud. Is there trouble in paradise? Where can Maud go to get in on the clan action now that he's no longer wanted and Nate has a new toyboy?

The reason I called this article "opposites attract", is because Dynamic is frequently down to play anyone anytime (as proven by constantly losing to Gganbu in 1v1 head to heads), yet Nate is the polar opposite and hasn't played a competitive 1v1 in a decade. This is very well known so there must be lots of chemistry between them. All joking aside, I do think Nate and Dynamic make a nice couple - after all there's lots of history of German immigration to Chile. Hopefully we see them step up to the plate and 2v2 some other titans of the game in the coming months. Who wouldn't want to see Dynamic and Nate take on Jacob and Gganbu (or zizou and sp0ckab) for example? Set it up.

In other news, shout out to everyone's favourite Turkish Rambo. 3 days back to back of 15 hour twitch streams. Full blown addiction. Stamina of a wild mountain ox. 

Also has anyone seen N8Diaz? He's not been spotted online in a few weeks? Perhaps what was left of his brain didn't return from the latest acid mushroom trip adventure to the purple mountain? Get well soon Diaz bro to bro. Don't worry the bear won't be able to swim the channel and reach you, it will sink in the sea like a poop being flushed down the toilet.

Thanks for reading,

Last train to Crushcentral

RED ALERT NEWS SEPT 2023 *MUST READ*

 RA is fucking back lads and ladettes!

The Turkish Rambo has resurfaced with his asshole moisturised and lubricated ready to get stuffed with mammies once again.

Why has the Turkish George Clooney reappeared you might ask? It's simple: he caught a wiff of the scent of the Brighton Bear.

Yes, that's right, the Bear has been uncaged and has been set upon the CnCNet community to wreak havoc.

Yesterday (Wednesday 6th Sept 2023) saw a 14 hour session between Yuz and Lordy. Various bo9s and random games featuring Dib and NastyNate. RA is alive and kicking once again, jump on for some action.

Speaking of NastyNate, he also features in this need instalment. Rumour has it he's been a wee bit of a Diva going around spreading gossip about players, particularly RushyBoo. Also, he was seen publicly scolding his dog after a few losses. Then again maybe Maud needed a wee bit of discipline to get him trained properly so I'm going to give the Big Chilean a pass in this case. But I would say ya maybe need to get yaself a wee bar of soap Nate and be on ya best behaviour. I'm keeping an eye on you, you're officially on the naughty step. 

Returning to the main topic, Lordy has been on his best behaviour since Admins were kind enough to give him another chance. I have it on good authority that Lordy is in fact very remorseful over his past behaviour and just wants a fresh start. In particular Lordy wants to say sorry to Diaz bro-to-bro for being so ungrateful and abusive and also wants to thank him for this opportunity to show he is a changed man going forward. Cheers Diaz and thanks for everything, on reflection Lordy has realised he maybe did need a few months away to get his head sorted and hopes that one day you and him can be good pals again. 

Peace and Love.

I also need to call out Beasty: Bro ya need to stop trying to seduce married men. If ya want to get yasel a bear to take care of ya and make you his bitch, you should try downloading apps such as Scruff or Grindr from the app store. You will be fresh meat on there and find yaself a sugar daddy no problem, especially if you mention on your profile that you pumped BigD in the last fight night you had with him.

That's all for now folks.

Jump on, suit up and boot up and get in on the action.

#Make RA Great Again.

Crushgen234

The Current State of Red Alert 1 [August 2023]

 The game is in a very bad place right now.

July 2023 Ladder was pathetic. No disrespect to the eventual champion s0nic aka Jacob (who has clearly improved tonnes in the last few months after hiring Ad as a personal butler). The drinks getting poured and the feet getting massaged during games has clearly helped Jacob's play and helped him reach a new level. Budowouter you better watch out or Ad might retain the "Butler of the year [BOTY]" title again this year! Get fucking serious Budo and get Dynamic's BMW washed and his carpets hoovered right fucking now! 

What's to blame for the decline of this once great game? 3 main reasons

1) Nubish P4 obsession. People and laggers only want to play this crap inane repetitive bullshit version of the game. Instead of playing proper skilled maps or playing the ladder or setting up tournaments, folk want to sit around and click the v2 button. This is low skill nubishness and it's ruining the game. Game needs variety to survive.

2) Bans. It has to be said. Diaz you have alot to answer for bro. We all know he's a bit of a nutter but the game does need Lordy. He is the one who harasses players to play and who sets up tournaments and gets competition going by causing beefs. No one really has an incentive to play without a bit of spike or adrenaline in the game. Oldpro actually recently said some words of wisdom (yes, even the ugly bird sometimes catches the worm), by lecturing Dynamic that no one really gives a fuck to try hard in shitty pointless friendly 2v2s. Even Oldpro hasn't been malding in the lobby lately because who really gives a fuck who wins and loses at the moment. Long story short: it's time to release the Ogre back into the CnCNet jungle. It's the 1st of August. Do what has to be done I am sure most pro and long term players would agree. It's time for the sentence to be exonerated.

3) Yuz

Where the  fuck is our favourite Turkish street fighter?

Seriously? Where the fuck? Someone message him on his social channels and tell him to stop being a selfish cunt and get back on the hjk. We need Yuz playing 1500 ladder games every month, he's the one that keeps the game going. No one is more important to the longevity and continuity of Red Alert than the Turkish George Clooney. Yes, I will say it, Yuz deserves his own fucking statue at this point. He's the most important player in the game bar none. Get the Turkish Rambo back addicted for fuck sake! 

Diaz & Admins: You can make it happen. Make RA Great Again. Releasing the Bear will have the knock on effect of Yuz jumping back online. Yuz will not be able to resist the allure of the strong smell of sweaty bear armpit for a bo9.

Mic Drop,

The N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S   B.O.O

P.S. Kickn's not been online as much because he spunked the crypto coins on some cocaine and hookers

Mr Anonymous speaks (volume 5)

 My anonymous insider source has a thing or two he/she/they (preferred pronouns undefined) wanted to get off their chest:

"First off can ad stop challenging folk to bo11s. Sit down ya cunt yuz absolutely pumped ya last week. Get back under the bed where ya belong. Back in ya box. The D -Tier box."

"Want to say congratulations to my good pal bigd aka Dynamic for once again destroying everyone else and proving he is the 2nd best player in the world 🥈. That's 2 months in a row now he beat every cunt except Gganbu. Amazing achievement and there's no shame in being the undisputed 2nd best behind bigG. Well done Gganbu you are just simply too good and the clear best in the world at this game 👍".

"Yuz ya need to stop playing so many hours. There's many other things ya could be trying. Might I recommend a cheeky salami fridge raid or a virtual reality vibrating butt plug. Ya will end up killing yaself ya are a 50 year old man fucking hell. We all love your 16 hour streams but I am sure the Mrs would love it even more if ya logged off the computer and reminded her why ya are known as the Turkish Rambo. 😤"

"One of my mates tried talking to Diaz about getting the Bear released early on probation. I am afraid Diaz was too much on the shrooms he did not know what day of the week it was so we will need to go back try talking to it another day."

"Has anyone seen Beast? Is he away playing Fortnite with his other pals? I also have to say that the mad dog has been behaving itself lately. Good to see."

Thanks for reading and thanks to my guest contributor,

BigC

Mr Anonymous sends a postcard from the beach (volume 4)

 The anonymous guest source has the laptop setup on a recliner chair to practice Q with one hand and a tequila in the other:

"Can bigd and gganbu get a fuckin room booked already. The sexual tension and flirting is making the ehy-atom1 era look like a bit of harmless lesbian scissoring. Put the chopstix and the 18pints down and lock horns ya cunts" 🔥✂️👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

"I'm here at the seaside on a mission to see if I can spot ad's cruisers. It been an hour already and still waiting on a first  boat 🚢."

"Lordy is up to 22 stone, might need to get oldpro down with a crane to get him off that sofa and away from the computer"

"My team is playing Newcastle today. Going to find a nice bar to watch it in and order a well known branded Indian lager 🍺"

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more

Mr Anonymous Speaks Volume 3

 Sorry for lack of editorial attention. I'm only relaying what my anonymous source has to say as I'm not actively engaged in the game myself at the moment. Here are Mr Anonymous' comments to me which they would like to be shared:

"Crush have u seen bigd's started a blog lol. He's not taking too kindly to gganbu pumping him and having that silver medal next to his name lol. He's proper trying to get into beast's pants too calling beast the best even though he knows he fucked beast and took his virginity already. We all see right through it lol we know gganbu has got inside that fragile German Ego of his lol he don't like bein number 2 haha."

"Bigd's now sayin he is away to play Fortnite with lordy and pals and not playin Ra anymore lol u believe that. One sniff of gganbu bein on ladder and he will jump onto RA in a heartbeat lol.  I've heard it all before lol he's just in a sulk because gganbu took his spot like the Grinch stole Christmas 😂 🌲"

"Get a blog up say bigd is running away because he knows gganbu is the big daddy now lol. Robskate put up a ladder elos list and it showed gganbu is the best player ever on ladder lol but it's still impressive for a remastered player to get to 2nd spot all time that's not bad at all. When are we seeing the next blog post lol write about yuz bein back and showing Diaz who the real sheriff and alpha is on RA and telling Diaz to get back in his fkn box haha 😂"

I don't have any further comment to add to Mr anonymous' thoughts. They want to leave a clue regarding their identity

"I like Harry kewell and Mark viduka"

Thanks for reading 

Mr Anonymous Speaks (Volume 2)

My anonymous insider source wants to say a few more words (they want their identity to remain a secret):

"The mad dog has been barking again. Lauta's been back on the YouTube loss uploading again and the dog is not a very happy boy. Think someone needs to take it for a walk again let it calm down lol."

"Lauta I like you pal and I enjoy you trolling Maud and I enjoyed that interview with the Brazilian guy on the tube. However one thing I need to say and I'm sorry: that monobrow needs to go pal. Might need to call pest control tell them there's a caterpillar about. 🐛"

"Why is ad 14th on ladder every month when he's supposed to be a top 5 player and got pumped 10-1 off the Aussie Tesla builder"

"Big D isn't a happy boy at the moment. Gganbu pumped him 15-4 on ladder and took his spot as the top banana 🍌. Him and beast fighting it out for the silver medal he will not like that one bit. I might need to get at0m1 on the phone bring him down from headquarters to give the 18pinter some more Q lessons".

"Beast not been playing as well since the ogre got banned. Think he lacks motivation when not trying to impress his man"

Mr Anonymous wants to provide a few clues regarding their identity:

Rio Ferdinand. Angelina Jolie. Perseus.

 

Mr Anonymous Speaks (Volume 1)

 An anonymous source wishes to say a few words. This might be a recurring segment as I'm not currently involved in the game. I've agreed to post Mr Anonymous (identity will not be revealed) comments:

"Where is big D aka big papa? Has he been away training in the mountains with RC_2g1g to repair his Q after getting pumped by Gganbu? Has anyone seen big D???"

"Oldpro would absolutely smash Ad in a 1v1 let alone 2v2" [Crush agrees wholeheartedly with this comment]

"Lordy's trying to make friends with admins like  kerbiter by messaging him and calling him a german cunt"

Thanks to Mr Anonymous for his/her/their input.

Update on the Bear's sentence

I've been asked to provide an update on Lordy's ban situation.

A plea bargain was arranged by partners Yuzgen and Rushyboo with CnCNet admins. In it, Lordy pleads guilty to all charges and will serve 3 months in RA Jail with a further 1 year on probation upon release (having to go for weekly therapy sessions and a counsellor for the following 9 months to work on anger management issues). If Lordy keeps its head down and doesn't step on other prisoners' toes then it will be uncaged and allowed to return to the CnCNet woods in July.

In exchange for a guilty plea the maximum life sentence has been reduced.

Yuzgen will accept postcards if you want to write to the bear while it serves its 3 months sentence.

Thanks all and I'm glad we can now draw a line under the saga, so long as the bear serves its 3 month sentence on good behaviour.

Thanks,

el crushiolo fabuloso

RA APRIL 2023 GOAT NEWS

 As you know I'm inactive from Red Alert at present. An anonymous source has asked me to provide the following updates on the status of the Red Alert Community.

The main news is that Dynamic has lost his spot to Gganbu and Bea5ty. Ggganbu and Bea5ty have been pumping the German 18-pint gestapo lieutenant after the quicklaunch was banned by admins behind the scenes. Any thoughts on this? Mmmm. Maybe no as good without quick launch mmm. BARTFUCKINGSAMA owns all. That is the only comment I have to make on this issue I don't really care about who wins and who loses at the game.

In other news. You all know by now that the man known alternatively as "The Bear" and "The Ogre", aka Lordy, has been permanently banned from Red Alert by the bongcloud mushroom LSD trip admin known as N8Diaz. Diaz was maybe a wee bit too harsh with his punishment and most agree that a week ban would have sufficed after a drunken Lordy called everyone an arab cunt in the lobby and threatened to go to people's houses and decapitate them with a chainsaw or burn them alive. Don't you agree? A week would have been enough ban for this.

Anyway, Lordy's doing just fine as an old pal of his got in touch to offer him a new home:

Thanks for reading!

Crushy Fucking GOD Boo (Fuck all butlers everywhere except Budofuckingwouter the undisputed GOAT butler!)

Statement on Dynamic's finger porn

Congratulations to Dynamic for showing his cocktail sausage fingers on stream and proving that he isn't using keyboard macros. We might need a foot pedal camera next (lol).

Those fingers have definitely seen a few pizzas. Got a real Lordy vibe. Played that keyboard with immense precision like someone slicing up the salami. Years of experience and skill was clearly evident.

Fair enough I was wrong. Good job and thanks for giving peace of mind.

I must say it was a bit creepy that the lights were off, do you sit and play with a scream mask on as well? 

Unfortunately I didn't catch the stream live and didn't even realise it was happening. However I've gone back and watched the replay just now. It's crystal clear that you don't cheat you just have natural born autism which is giving you the edge over us amateurs. 

Good job, now get off  that wank-station and get a job.

On a serious note, well done and thanks.

Congratulations are in order!

 Congratulations to Gganbu in successfully securing the services of the reigning Butler of the Year on a freelance contract. Yes that's right, the BOTY2022, Ad, (formerly cousinad,[op-ad],[nm-ad],nastyad,[1]ad,[ad-ta],[420]ad,[G0D]ad,RAM-ad,[BAT-Ad],RPG-Ad,[wp]Ad,[Ex-Ad] etc) has now completed the full house and joined ORA to personally butler for the mysterious entity known as Gganbu. I'm sure this will be a match made in heaven and many greasy arse holes will be getting cleaned to a pristine standard.

As monumental news as this is, it may not be enough to retain the BOTY title this year because an old wolf has come back hungry to regain his title! 

Take notes, Ad. You'll always be the rank 2 Butler on CnCNet. Budo shows how it's done properly. And to answer the question of the GOAT Butler - I'll have some Camembert and some Sauvignon, fetch me your finest Cuban cigar as well while you are in the pantry, boy!

The BOTY 2023 title race is sure to be an epic one. Get those dishes washed boys! #TeamBudo

In less important news, I'm still waiting on the German to answer my request in the last post which clearly stated and I quote "Stream playing for an hour against a strong opponent such as Gganbu with a webcam clearly on keyboard/mouse as well as the screen." A small graphical animation in the bottom left corner does not meet the requirements of the stipulated aforementioned drugs test. Ball firmly in your fucking court, cunt.

Happy reading and have a wonderful day.

Request of Dynamic

Stream playing for an hour against a strong opponent such as Gganbu with a webcam clearly on keyboard/mouse as well as the screen.

Save the video for YouTube/Twitch for analysis. 

Too many people are suspicious and have seen statistical anomalies.

If you are clean then you should have absolutely no problem doing this. There is no excuse not to, really. See it as a standard drugs test like they have in the Olympics. Innocent until proven guilty.

If you refuse to do it then the silence will speak louder than words.

Thank you.

Beware of #FakeNews

Rumour has it that a rival publication has emerged in an attempt to usurp my market leading conglomerate. 

Beware of the imposter "blog" written by the Canadian Noodle Lover's alter ego. All you will find over there is fake news. That's the CNN of RA over there.

Right here is where you are brought real shit shot straight from the hip.

I'll tell you everything you need to know about oldpro's hair loss, the German's robotic autism and the adventures of the Albanian pizza boy, right here, on The Blog of Boo.

Forget fake news. 

The real news is that every cunt is missing our beloved Turkish streetfighting champ, Yuz. No one wants to play without this creepy loveable uncle around. He is the eco system in Red Alert. He's literally the goldfish that fattens itself up by eating the tadpoles before itself getting eaten by the sharks and whales. Without Yuz there's no Red Alert 1. This man is the most important person in the game bar none.... So for fuck sake someone do what has to be done and get this man back addicted. We need this man doing 17-hour Twitch streams again for the good of the game. I don't give a fuck - he's just going to need to stop being selfish and get himself proper addicted again and forget his real life. So someone feed this man some Red Alert crack in the form of a tournament or a best of series. 1 sniff and he'll be hooked again, that's all it will take.

The other news is people are gaining unfair advantages using optimal game renderer settings which has been scientifically and mathematically proven to cause a discrepancy in production and speed rates. Click settings in Lobby and you will see the range of options within OpenGL/Direct 3d/GDI you can choose. It's a big problem in the game. Everyone needs to be using the same renderer to level the playing field but unfortunately it seems we don't have anyone capable of making this happen at the moment now that Funky's unfortunately not around (we miss you Funky). They need to make it so that everyone is playing on the same renderer or we will always have question marks over player performance. It's a major problem in the game and cannot be ignored any longer. People are essentially playing different versions of the game which is just mega fucked up. And no I'm not being paranoid - this has been tested offline and there are slight differences in speeds depending on which graphical interface you are using (even 0.1s per unit/building makes an insane difference at a high level of game).

One final comment,

Bart would absolutely destroy any of the butlers in a head to head series.

Have a nice day

A STATEMENT FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS

 Well it needs to be said and documented. I like to give credit where it's due. 

Dynamic is hands down and without any shadow of a doubt now the best player I have ever played in 1v1 in 12 years of playing Red Alert 1 online.

He is better than all of them - Ehy, Milo, Ford, RC1985, Bea5ty, At0m1, Faust, NastyNate, Mclovin etc.

And no. I am not being melodramatic. This guy is a pro gamer and is now on another level to all of them.

I just don't want there to be a point in future where people hum and haw and debate who was better like we do for past eras when talking about Niklas, Nike 1 etc. At the very least for the 2011-2023 period, Dynamic is easily the best 1v1 player I've ever faced and no one is better poised to say this than me as I have played all of the above people endless 100s of amount of games. 

Sorry N8Diaz, Dynamic would ABSOLUTELY DESTROY Milo (aka Blank). Because he does everything Milo does (ultimate production) but also plays with brain and knows how to defend as well.

Dynamic oblitered Bea5ty 8-2 in their Fight Night, 5-0 in tournament, and 8-1 in last 9 ladder games. This makes a total score of 21-3 against the stand out 2nd best player. Bea5ty is an incredible player and for Dynamic to demolish him like that is a testament to his strength.

So just why is Dynamic so good? He has the total combined range of skills. Some players are maybe slightly deficient in some categories (eg RC was never a great soviet builder player, Milo was bad at defending rushes, Faust was bad on certain niche maps like Pico and not the best on P4 scouting).

Dynamic has incredible defence. It's almost impossible to rush him. For example he is 60-0 against the likes of Lordy and Jacob in his last 60 games against them. This is just insane because those 2 are good players.

His production is as good as anyone now, and near perfect. He does not miss an opportunity to produce or place a building.

Also, a huge strength he has over other players is his SCOUTING. He sees EVERYTHING. Every rush coming and is constantly watching the map. Bad players like me and robskate often don't do this and get caught off guard - we are somewhat lazy. He is constantly scowering the map so he does not miss anything and can make rapid decisions to adapt. 

He's also insanely strong with early game micro and applying pressure. He will demolish you with early Q or infantry/naders on a map like Path Beyond or Pico. His micro management with ore trucks etc on ore maps is also second to none and I'd even go so far to say I think there's some maps where he's unbeatable.

Some might argue, "Gganbu beat him 17-15 a couple months ago." Key point: a couple of months ago. Dynamic has improved from 9.5/10 to 9.9/10 in those few months. He's improved to an even higher level in that time and it would be interesting to see them play now. I think he'd adapt to Gganbu's style of play. The improved results against Bea5ty are a testament to this improvement.

So yes, I am happy for this to be used as a reference point going forward. Dynamic is the best 1v1 player of the CnCNet 5 era of Red Alert and it's not even debateable at this point. Like I said, I played them all 100s of times, and wins against the others are very much more possible than against Dynamic.

Thanks for reading,

CrushyBoo (12th February 2023)